Psychology: Do you love me?

A simple question that's hard to ask.

By MIKE GROPPER
Fiddler on the Roof 521 (photo credit: Illustrative photo)
Fiddler on the Roof 521
(photo credit: Illustrative photo)
In a memorable scene from Fiddler on the Roof, before the marriage of their daughter Hodel, Tevye turns to his wife Golde and asks if she loves him. Golde, somewhat taken aback, doesn’t immediately answer but instead reminds Tevye of all the labors of love she has provided him during their 25-year marriage, such as cooking, cleaning, bearing and raising children and even milking the cow.
Nevertheless, Tevye, still not satisfied, persists in asking for verbal affirmation that she loves him. Golde replies: “For 25 years I lived with him, fought with him, starved with him, 25 years my bed is his, if that’s not love what is?” Tevye responds: “Then you love me...” and Golde answers, “I suppose I do.” Tevye responds, “I suppose I love you too.” Finally they sing together: “It doesn’t change a thing but even so, after 25 years it’s nice to know.”
It’s nice to know is exactly the point. Couples get sidetracked and distracted by life’s pressures such as job demands, making a living, raising their children, taking care of aging parents and, for a new immigrant, adjusting to life here. These pressures, instead of bringing couples together, often make spouses turn away from each other. They tune out and forget important dates, pick on their spouses over small, insignificant things and show insensitivity at the very times a hug is called for.
In time, they stop playing, laughing, talking and/or even touching each other. They tell themselves, “This is the way most married couples live,” which is, unfortunately, too often an accurate statement. So they put aside romance and passion, settle for a functional relationship and live semi-miserably ever after. They may stay together, but they don’t stay intimate.
The fact is that it is so easy in a marriage to get off track, forget about your partner and forget about the person you are sharing your life with. When spouses forget about their partner or create unnecessary battles, they are also forgetting about themselves. They allow their daily grind to swallow them up. Then they also forget to exercise, eat healthy foods, and they frequently fail to plan any time for leisure activities or a vacation for themselves or with loved ones. Many marriages go off the deep end simply because the spouses don’t realize how important it is to turn back to each other and recharge the batteries in their relationship and in themselves.
When couples feel disconnected, the best remedy is to communicate to their spouse. Like Tevye, tell your spouse what is bothering you. Communication breakdown is perhaps the most common problem that I see in my work with couples. So often, one spouse is afraid to let a partner know what he or she is feeling. People often turn away from each other because they don’t want to get into a fight, or they fear their partner will be angry with them. What they don’t realize is that they pay a high price for avoiding a conflict or discussing a problem that needs to be solved.
Holding worries inside oneself most often results in a sense of alienation and loneliness. Personal and spouse neglect is costly. Potentially, it can become a major source of human suffering and unhappiness that may lead to excessive fighting between the couple. On a personal level, it can lead to depression, anxiety, psychosomatic symptoms and/or mental breakdown.
Evidence-based research has shown that disagreement and fighting in marriage aren’t predictors of marriage failure and divorce, but stonewalling, avoidance, defensiveness, contempt and the silent treatment are. Many couples simply never learned how to communicate effectively. They may have had bad role models as children, have temperamental personalities or be the type who holds everything inside. No matter what the reason, it is crucial to find a way to communicate with each other and, most importantly, to do so empathetically. Couples must learn to listen attentively to each other and hear correctly what they are feeling or worrying about.
Not everyone has good communication skills, but these can be learned. Couple therapy is an excellent way to develop these skills. To be heard is a powerful tool of all intimate relationships. Once couples clear the air, they can truly attend to solving problems, and the door to true intimacy opens. It eliminates the need to be defensive and build a wall. When you are being heard by your spouse and, more importantly, understood, communication is open and there is a real chance to work things out.
Clearly, Tevye is a good role model for all of us, communicating openly about what he wanted to hear from Golde. “Do you love me?” Hearing the words “I love you” was enough for Tevye to feel that his batteries had been recharged. He was now ready to go back to dealing with all of life’s problems and challenges.
The writer is a marital, child and adult psychotherapist practicing in both Jerusalem and Ra’anana. drmikegropper@gmail.com