Dating Games: The case of the coconut shrimp

If you feel you need to lie in order to be accepted by your date, then you have your answer about whether he or she is right for you.

By TAMAR CASPI
shrimp kosher cartoon (photo credit: Metro)
shrimp kosher cartoon
(photo credit: Metro)
My friend Debra called to regale me with a new story that was absolutely astonishing... and not in a good way.
She had met a new guy on JDate named Zev, and they had made plans to get together. Even though Debra knew she had a busy week at work, she agreed to meet Zev for happy hour at a bar near her office midweek.
Unfortunately, Debra’s workday ran late, and she barely had time to freshen up – forget about eating – before their date. So she arrived a bit late, a bit flustered and very hungry, but excited to be meeting Zev.
Zev was understanding about her long day, didn’t make a big deal about having to wait, and offered to order food together. He was easygoing, and everything seemed to be progressing nicely.
While looking at the menu, the two engaged in a conversation which eventually turned to keeping kosher. Debra mentioned that she didn’t eat shellfish or pork, nor mix meat and dairy, and Zev said neither did he.
When the waitress came over, Zev motioned to Debra to order first (which flattered her since she took it as a chivalrous gesture). When it was his turn, he ordered coconut shrimp. That’s right; following a conversation about keeping kosher, Zev ordered and ate an entire portion of coconut shrimp, with no excuse or explanation.
I was dumbfounded. If he doesn’t keep kosher, that’s fine – but then, why lie about it and order shellfish anyway? It seems as though he had been trying to impress Debra during the conversation, and then totally flushed all his hard work down the toilet (and then some) when he ordered.
It’s totally baffling. I can’t believe that he couldn’t just wait until his next meal before having shrimp.
He could even have waited until after she had left, and then gone back and ordered the shrimp; but I still don’t get why he lied about it in the first place.
She wouldn’t have looked at him any differently if he hadn’t kept kosher. It’s how she was raised, and a way of life she has continued to uphold on her own accord.
I’ve always been honest about not keeping kosher, and Debra doesn’t judge me if I order coconut shrimp in front of her. In fact, many of her friends and even some of Debra’s family don’t keep kosher, but she’s never made anyone feel guilty because of it.
Debra didn’t have the nerve to question Zev’s lie right there on the spot, but in her mind he had struck out and she was totally done for the night, having blocked any idea of a relationship with him completely out of her mind.
As for Zev, he was so self-involved, he didn’t even notice. The date ended uneventfully, and although Zev called a few days later, Debra didn’t answer; nor did she return his call.
It’s a shame that something so simple as not lying about keeping kosher ruined a great prospect.
Why bother lying on dates, or in order to get a date? It’s one thing to exaggerate the truth a bit, or embellish a story somewhat. But to straight-out lie is unfathomable, and the complete opposite of everything I have ever recommended.
LYING ABOUT keeping kosher when you plan on eating out on dates is like posting a photo of a supermodel as your profile picture on your JDate account, and then making plans to meet people. You are going to be discovered; and when you are on the spot, there will be nothing you can do to dig yourself out of that hole.
If you’re single and looking for a serious relationship heading in the right direction, honesty is always the best policy. Otherwise you will be found out, and the relationship will be over. And until you’re found out, you will spend all your time together making sure you don’t trip over your own feet and catch yourself in your own lie.
I once knew a girl named Olivia who was an aspiring actress but lied to men she would meet and tell them she was a student. She knew they probably wouldn’t take her seriously as a wanna-be actress without any credits to her name, and she quite possibly was right, but she didn’t even give people a chance to make up their own minds.
So she would have to lie about going to school whenever she was out on a date with one of these guys.
Eventually she would ’fess up about her career ambitions, and even if the guy wouldn’t have minded that she was an actress, he did mind that she had lied to him.
If you feel you need to lie in order to be liked and accepted by your date, then you pretty much have your answer right there about whether he or she is right for you.
And if you find yourself consciously choosing to lie anyway, you need more help than I am capable of giving.
Instead of lying, though, try telling the truth, and see where that takes you. Relationships are much more interesting when you don’t agree on everything and have mutual respect instead.