Each date you go on, and each relationship you enter into deserves to be given your full effort, your entire focus and an open mind and heart
By TAMAR CASPICouple getting married dontuse 370(photo credit: Marc Israel Sellem)
After you’ve finally recovered from the surprise demise of what you thought was a relationship headed in the right direction, how do you trust your instincts again when it comes to dating? It’s hard to get back out there after a broken heart, and it’s even more difficult to know if you can trust your gut or take someone at their word. A broken heart will wreak havoc on your self-esteem, your self-confidence and your self-worth, not to mention your subconscious.In my mid-20s, I was in what I considered to be a serious relationship with a guy I’ll call Ethan. We spent almost every day together and were talking on the phone or texting when we weren’t together.We celebrated his birthday with his friends, celebrated the High Holy Days with each other’s families and were the “it” couple in the local young Jewish community. Then one day, about three months into the relationship, I picked Ethan up from the airport after a business trip and, out of the blue, he broke it off. I was stunned. Not only did I not see it coming, but there weren’t any hints that he had been unhappy. And I had felt so confident about the relationship, I didn’t know how he could have felt differently without my knowing. I wasn’t sure if Ethan was The One nor was I sure if I was in love, but I felt heartbroken because of the blindside. Not only did I doubt what I had felt during our relationship, but I also began doubting my instincts.After a few weeks of moping, hanging out with my girlfriends and throwing myself into my work, I was ready to start dipping my toe into the dating waters. I wasn’t ready for a new relationship quite yet, but I needed to bring myself back from the brink. Seeing what (or rather, who) was out there would help me finish healing. So I signed back on to Jewish dating websites and fielded messages and phone calls from some really great guys who had my interest piqued. But my inner alarm kept ringing. How could I know that this guy wouldn’t hurt me as well? I didn’t. One can never know, but it’s a risk we take in love and life. But how could I know if this guy was being genuine about how much he liked me? Again, I would just have to take a risk and make sure I kept my eyes open to any warning signs. I also had to learn from that last relationship by taking my time getting serious and taking the time to check in with my next significant other to make sure we were always on the same page.It’s definitely hard to trust not only yourself but also the person you’re dating after a painful break-up.You become cynical. Every statement, every action, is doubted and dissected. And that skepticism is hard to hide and, unfortunately, will lead to making your dates fail, no matter how great the other person is. Believing that the right person is out there and that putting only your best self forward will help in finding him or her.Eventually I did meet my next boyfriend, but alas that relationship didn’t pan out either, although this time I was the one to bring it to an end. But I was proud of myself for opening up to someone and also implementing the lessons I had learned about not spending so much time with someone so soon, talking openly about our feelings along the way and recognizing when this boyfriend wasn’t my beshert and ending it before it went any further. I would go through more than a few of these before finding my beshert, but at least I could feel good knowing I had given each relationship 100 percent along the way.The thing we all have to understand about dating is that no matter how many dates you go on, no matter how many relationships you’ve been in or for how long you were in them, only one is going to be the ultimate success (okay, maybe two, but that’s not the point here). So each date you go on, and each relationship you enter into deserves to be given your full effort, your entire focus and an open mind and open heart.Until you meet your beshert, dating is cyclical. First date after first date, relationship after relationship, break-up after break-up. It’s easy to get jaded and frustrated, but eventually the cycle will end with the right person at the right time. The point is to make sure you grow along the way: Learn from your mistakes, figure out more of what you want in a mate, what kind of mate you want to be, and adjust your preferences and outlook accordingly.Each date you go on, and each relationship you enter into deserves to be given your full effort, your entire focus and an open mind and heart
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