You’ve reached Knesset Member Oren Hazan. There’s a slight chance I’m busy with official Knesset business right now, but probably not. Anyway, you can leave a message at the beep.
Hi, Oren. It’s Donald Trump. The Donald Trump. I’ve been watching you, and let me tell you, you’re a winner. I know a winner when I see one. I know a lot of things. A lot.
Like that stupid election system you have over there. Stuuu-pid! You come as part of a package. Like where someone proposes a bill and then someone else agrees to support it, but only if he can get some pet project thrown in. I think it’s called a rider, or maybe a slider. I can’t remember exactly, but I hear it’s good, like one of those codicils I try to hide deep down in my business deals.
That’s how you, Oren, got to where you are. Israeli voters like a party’s line, or maybe just its name or the guy who runs it, so they vote for it. And then a whole bunch of people like you come along for the ride into that boxy building you have over there in Jerusalem – where, by the way, as soon as I’m elected, I’ll move our embassy. The others promised, but they wussed. I keep my promises. No flip-flops. I’m not like them.
Trust me. I know what I’m talking about.
Anyway, you got into that place by riding something a lot more powerful than you are. A lot more powerful. Like my 757. You ever see that baby? Silk-lined stateroom, marble and gold fixtures in the master bath, my family crest embroidered on the leather seats. An aerial hotrod. I love that plane, really love it. And wait till you see what I do with Air Force One! It’ll be unbelievable.
Really something! But back to you. You got where you are on someone else’s coattails. And you know what? I think you have what it takes to make it on your own. It’s an outsider’s game now. No need for the establishment guys.
They’re a dying breed. Dying. And most of ’em are idiots. Certified idiots. Certified.
Look at Bibi. Not that Bibi’s an idiot, of course. Actually, he’s a pretty good guy.
Masculine, almost like me. I went to military school, so I know about these things.
And I understand that just like me, he’s on his third wife. Next time, he should try one of those babes from the old Soviet bloc.
Gorgeous. With their looks and mine, my wives and I produced gorgeous babies. Really beautiful. And they grew up to be beautiful.
I’d date one of my daughters if it were allowed. And maybe it should be. Whatever.
But I think you get my point.
By the way, I hear Bibi’s wife is a little unpredictable. Now, women from the old Soviet bloc, they’re down to earth.
They’re even nice to the help. Melania always gives our servants a second chance before throwing an ashtray. I think it’s a remnant of those horrible years under Godless Communism. By the way, I hear you spent some time in Bulgaria, so you probably know what I’m talking about.
But Bibi, smart as he is, and as good a politician as he is – and he’s very good, from what I hear – he can’t get anything done.
Not a thing. He’s got that guy Bennett tugging from one side, and our bogus president – bo-gus! – tugging from the other. And that idiot Kerry is tugging from somewhere else.
You ever see that guy? He looks like Frankenstein and makes about as much sense.
Then don’t forget Putin, who’s pulling in an entirely different direction – though I admire him a lot. I really do. He understands the importance of manliness, which I myself would show more often by taking off my shirt if I weren’t so busy in New York City. By the way, great town, New York City.
Great. Really terrific.
NOW OREN, the way I see it, your political system isn’t gonna change anytime soon, and unless you build your own personal brand, you’re gonna get schlonged. You’re not gonna get out from under all those assembly- line pols in line ahead of you. So I’ll tell you what: I have this show called The Apprentice. I used to host it, but the network’s run by a bunch of pansies who didn’t like my straight talk about Mexicans, which, as you probably know, is how I began my campaign for the White House.
By the way, I don’t think I’ll actually live there. Too 19th-century. I’ll build another Trump Tower, probably where the Washington Monument is. It’s just a stack of large white bricks anyway. My people can knock it down and have a really great steel and glass skyscraper up in its place in no time. It’ll say “Trump” on top, in solid gold letters. Spectacular. And I know how to do spectacular.
My bedroom will overlook the White House, the ultimate symbol of power. No Capitol views. I’ll be so terrific as president that those guys will wither on the vine. All they’ll be able to do is rubber-stamp my policies.
And those policies will be great. Really great. And, oh yeah: Definitely no views of Arlington. That cemetery is depressing.
Full of soldiers who got killed. Losers! Even worse than prisoners of war, and you know what I think about them.
Anyway, I still pull enough weight to get you hooked up with the show. It’s now called Celebrity Apprentice. I’m told you’re quite a celebrity in Israel, so it should be a good fit. I like your style. You say whatever you want. I heard about the way you gave it to that girl in the wheelchair. We have a lot in common. We know how to put down uppity cripples.
I also heard about the casino you ran.
I’ve been in that business. Yuge. You gotta be a card counter or serious cheat to beat the house. But those guys you see roughing up the Muslims at my rallies? Most of ’em worked the floors at my casinos and heaved the cheats out. Picked ’em right up and chucked ’em. You think Joe Pesci was tough in Casino? Watch my guys.
Of course, there are other aspects of the business, like the hotels and the restaurants, and sometimes they can be a little… you know, iffy. But in the US, we have something terrific. Really outstanding. It’s called Chapter 11. Don’t spread it around, but I’ve used it several times. It sounds like socialism, but don’t believe it. It’s capitalism at its finest, so it’s great. Really great. Really American! By the way, I heard your father was in politics before you and even came up with a terrific method to streamline voting on bills. My father was in my line of business before me. He was rich, but I’m really, really rich. And from what I’ve heard, you have the potential to outdo your father just like I did. I admire things like that.
SO I CAN get you on the show. Of course, I don’t get to say “You’re fired!” any more.
I really loved that part, making them bitch and whine and grovel before throwing them in the taxi to wonder where they went wrong. Really loved it. Anyway, I can pull a few strings and have you win. It’s doable. Then you could appear at all those openings and publicize my brand, and at the same time build your own.
And that’s the important thing, Oren – a brand. See where it got me? So you go back to Israel, maybe detour through Bulgaria and build a casino with your name on top.
It’ll be great. Really high-class. Then in Israel, you use that name to start your own party and put all those establishment cows out to pasture. Get some real power. Be prime minister.
You’ll be yuge, really yuge.
We could work together, make peace over there. I know how to negotiate. It’s an art.
Ever read my book? It was a bestseller. We could sell the Palestinians on the idea of a casino. Someplace like Vegas. Really hot.
Maybe Jericho. Who cares where the profits end up? They’ll sign.
So waddaya say, Oren? This could be the beginning of a terrific relationship. Really terrific. Maybe Nobel terrific. And I know what I’m talking about.
Have your girl call mine soon.