Shabbat Goy: How the next 12 months will unfold

Feel free to take these seriously, or not, as you wish – remember that even a broken clock is correct twice a day.

Akin cartoon 521 (photo credit: Courtesy)
Akin cartoon 521
(photo credit: Courtesy)
And so, another year. Having started it as I intend to go on – on a full stomach and with a warm fuzzy feeling, courtesy of my mother-in-law’s cholent – I feel emboldened to make a few predictions about how I see the next 12 months unfolding.
Feel free to take these as seriously, or not, as you wish; these predictions are, on the whole, as ill-informed as those of any other prognosticator. That said, it should be remembered that even a broken clock is correct twice a day...
• Following widespread public outrage at the “influx” of African migrants into Tel Aviv, Mayor Ron Huldai will declare Akirov Towers a closed military zone and forcibly intern the entire refugee population of the city in the towers.
“We have listened to the people,” Huldai will declare at a packed press conference.
“We can no longer tolerate the demographic threat that the brown-skinned folk pose to our proud liberal city.”
Following this radical step, young families priced out of Tel Aviv will be able to find affordable housing in the Shapira and Hatikva neighborhoods of south Tel Aviv*; the protestations of the absentee landlords of Akirov – “but we dedicated a memorial park in Ma’alot, and we visit the country twice a year!” – will be swept aside in the general euphoria.
In an unrelated development, ministerial spouses will express satisfaction at the central location of the facility, making it much easier for them to source illegal housekeepers and the like.
• In an ecstatic ticker-tape parade in Ramallah, Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu will be granted the freedom of Palestine by the incoming administration of Salam Fayyad.
“The Palestinian people know no greater friend than Bibi,” Fayyad will tell a cheering crowd. “Since the inauguration of the Netanyahu administration, virtually every obfuscation concerning the fractious relationship between our people has been placed center-stage: the settlements and the two-state solution, the status of Jerusalem, the tail-wags-dog relationship between Eretz Yisrael and the United States. “We have no greater friend than comrade Netanyahu; being pro-Palestinian has become fashionable once again.”
THE PARADE itself takes place only after Prime Minister Netanyahu sees off yet another threat to his coalition government from within, threatening to undo all the hard work carried out internationally on behalf of the Palestinian people over the last two years.
• Outgoing IDF Chief of General Staff Gabi Ashkenazi will announce, to widespread shock and consternation, that he has decided not to run for public office.
“I have given careful consideration to my position,” he will explain during a prime-time live address to the nation, “and I have come to the understanding that competency in killing people... sorry, in ensuring the country’s security, is not necessarily a suitable qualification for political leadership.”
Ashkenazi’s 17 predecessors in the position – all, incidentally, members of the current Knesset – will denounce his decision as “short-sighted and selfish,” and insist on their duty to continue to serve the country as they best know how; or, to phrase it slightly differently, as only they know how.
Ashkenazi will declare that he intends to “spend more time with his family.” In a related development, the entire Ashkenazi family, sans paterfamilias, will emigrate to New Zealand.
• The latest Israeli socio-political realist film – an adaptation of an equally charged socio-political realist novel – will open to packed cinema houses across the globe, will be nominated for film festival prizes from Toronto to Tokyo, and will be viewed domestically by approximately 23 people, including ushers, cleaners and the family of the director.
“My true constituency lies elsewhere,” the filmmaker will comment ruefully after the cancellation of the premiere, “with the goyim, who really want to believe that there is still a social conscience alive in Israel.”
Afterwards, he will realize that his mistake was to schedule the opening of his film against the premiere of the new series of Mehubarim; no-one in Israel likes reality, unless the word “reality” is followed by “TV.”
• Continuing the path to political redemption, former Shas golden boy Aryeh Deri will marry newspaper columnist Dana Spector in an ecumenical ceremony on the beach in Caesarea, the union blessed by President Shimon Peres. Exclusive photographs from the event will be sold to the women’s glossy magazine La’isha, and the celeb couple de jour will begin their own reality television show.
“The seculars only pay attention to the observant when we say something stupid or do something silly,” Deri will explain to Guy Pines on Channel 10’s daily entertainment show. “This radical step is the only way of ensuring that the concerns of the haredi community are impressed upon the secular population’s consciousness.”
For her part, Spector had no comment to make. For once.
• No government minister will be charged or convicted of any crime involving corruption, sexual misdemeanor or moral turpitude over the course of 2011. This is because they are keeping their powder dry for when the huge natural gas revenues come on line; there is nothing worse than uninviting oneself from the party of a lifetime.
• Luxury pen retailers and cigar shops across the country will slide into bankruptcy...
• There will be Peace. Of course there will be Peace. It all depends on how you choose to define the word “Peace.”
• This humble columnist will secure gainful, productive employment. (OK, that last one is highly unlikely.) All the best for 2011.
* In the process “gentrifying” the neighborhoods and pricing out the long-term residents, but that’s another story altogether...