Welcome to Crazytown, USA! - opinion

What they haven’t and will never be able to take away because of our God-given second amendment rights – are guns. Lots and lots of guns. All redeemable for the right number of tickets.

Former Republican US presidential candidate Senator Ted Cruz speaks during the third night of the Republican National Convention in Cleveland, Ohio, U.S. July 20, 2016 (photo credit: REUTERS)
Former Republican US presidential candidate Senator Ted Cruz speaks during the third night of the Republican National Convention in Cleveland, Ohio, U.S. July 20, 2016
(photo credit: REUTERS)

‘Have one door into and out of the school...,” US Sen. Ted Cruz said on Fox News the day after a gunman killed 19 elementary school students and two teachers.

Welcome to Crazytown, USA. The town where up is down, black is white and wrong is right.

If you’re looking for a good time, this is the place to be. Come to our annual carnival where you can stumble through the House of Mirrors. It’s a bizzaro world where frowns become smiles, fat becomes thin, and even words take on opposite meanings. Guns don’t cause violence. They are peacekeepers.

Speaking of guns, you can practice your aim at the water gun race. Successfully direct the water through the clown’s heart until his balloon-head fills and explodes.

In Whack-A-Mole, you play the policeman waiting for the mole’s head to pop up from one of many holes. Once you see him, you wait for instructions. How many moles can you miss? Miss them all and you win the game!

 A law enforcement personnel works at the scene of a mass shooting in Robb Elementary School, in Uvalde, Texas, US, May 25, 2022 (credit: REUTERS/NURI VALLBONA) A law enforcement personnel works at the scene of a mass shooting in Robb Elementary School, in Uvalde, Texas, US, May 25, 2022 (credit: REUTERS/NURI VALLBONA)

Every time you win you earn tickets redeemable at the prize shop. Get a stuffed animal – a real stuffed animal – killed and reconstituted in our very own taxidermy shop. Snakes? Yup. Cubs? We got ‘em. Children? No, not yet. The left-wing taxidermy police want to take away your freedom to buy any kind of stuffed animal you want.

The Second Amendment - a God-given right

One more thing we do have – what they haven’t and will never be able to take away because of our God-given second amendment rights – are guns. Lots and lots of guns. All redeemable for the right number of tickets. Shotguns, revolvers, handguns, rifles and, our most popular, the AR-15.

That AR-15 comes in a variety of sizes to fit even our smallest, youngest, hands.

Worried that your child won’t know how to fire one of these babies? No problem. No training necessary. All he needs is a working index finger.

Also redeemable for the right amount of tickets are helmets, chest protectors, knee pads – all the body armor your child will need to play “mass killing.”

You might ask: Wait a minute, doesn’t having all this weaponry put our children and teachers at risk?

Not in Crazytown, USA. In Crazytown schools, all teachers and students arrive each day in full body armor. Teachers are also armed with their own AR-15s which they are trained to use while teaching the bible, home economics, football and other subjects our parents deem appropriate for their children to learn. Subjects currently deemed inappropriate include history, math, science and sex education.

Schools are further protected by having just one door for entry and exit. The door is locked at all times, except at the beginning and end of school. Windows are also barred and sealed shut throughout the day.

Do our children feel claustrophobic? Never in Crazytown. With prayer ongoing and target shooting a requirement, our children are the happiest and most well adjusted in the world.

We know this because access to outside information ends at the border of Crazytown. Just to be safe.

The writer is a former high school teacher in New York and an occasional Jerusalem Post columnist.