Loose ends: A very special holiday gift guide

Gwynnie with another issue of Goop.

Santa distributes free Christmas trees in the Old City. (photo credit: REUTERS)
Santa distributes free Christmas trees in the Old City.
(photo credit: REUTERS)
Hello, all! Gwynnie here! Welcome to another issue of Goop, my newsletter for people who enjoy the finer things in life. I’m proud to present our annual gift guide. Just because I’m Gwyneth Paltrow, it doesn’t mean I can’t kick back and enjoy the holidays. I put my winter-capris on one cashmere leg at a time, just like you! Here, I’ve compiled my favorite buys for every type of person. Whether you want to spend $7,900,000 or $8,000,000, we’ve got the right gift for you! For the Centered Soul Trinket vessel ($339): If you’re like me, your trinkets end up all over the place: hidden inside your artisanal peony terrarium, strewn on your wicker birthing chairs, veiled behind a piping hot cup of acai-and-clamshell tea. Keep your trinkets neat and tidy with this minimalist, torus-shaped vessel. So stunning.
Candle masseuse ($197 per hour): This moderately priced candle masseuse will massage your candles (votive or taper!) for a clearer, more intense burn. Why not treat your candles to a little holiday cheer? Free-range dream catcher ($418-$523): Did you know that the human body is 70 percent dreams? Most dream catchers sequester a dream until it’s cramped and broken, like a calf for veal.
This dream catcher, made from organic, non- GMO wheats and berries, allows the dream to roam free until the moment of humane confinement.
The People for the Ethical Treatment of Dreams (PETD) gave it three “Zzz’s” up! – Very tiny tarot cards ($196): This adorable gold-leafed tarot set is perfect for a tiny bird, or even a small mouse! For the Feeler Geranium eye mist ($515): If you happen to have lost the ability to cry through a combination of Botox and cocktail of personality disorders, this floral-scented eye irritant will produce extremely realistic tears immediately upon contact! Perfect for funerals, Oscar speeches and haggling with your local fishmonger.
Porcelain-and-crystal bisque ($3,400): This soup looks better than the real thing! A sculpture of a bowl of soup made entirely of solid porcelain and healing crystals. Can be used as decoration or a meal replacement. I lost 64 pounds by replacing three meals a day with thinking about crystals! Leather divorce papers ($279 for pack of four): He can’t not sign these! Made from the tanned hides of Wagyu show-steers, these gorgeous, legally binding divorce papers will make consciously uncoupling a pleasure. After the divorce is finalized, treat yourself to thinking about a crystal bowl of ice cream. Your body will love you for it.
For the Wanderer ‘We Are the 1 Percent’ Globe ($2,914): Ever think to yourself, “there are just too many countries”? Well, then, this beautifully enameled, reclaimed, no-kill ivory globe is just for you. We removed any countries with a GDP of less than $2 trillion, according to the World Bank, leaving the United States, China, Japan, Germany, Britain, France, Brazil, Italy and India. These countries have been arranged according to celebrity child consultant North West in a cute, minimalist neo-Pangaea land mass.
Human picture frame ($670-$1,890 plus annual food and water stipend): A picture frame for people who don’t do picture frames. Hire this human adult man to hold your photos silently in front of his face. Comes in three practical sizes: tween, medium and Swedish.
PETD membership ($530,700 for one year): Give the gift of a one-year membership to this up-and-coming association created to protect and advance the art of dreams. It’s very exclusive.
There are very few members. There is only one member. I am the only member.
For the Fun-Lover – Real-Life Monopoly set (about $42,420,595): Why still play old-fashioned board games with rinky-dink pieces and flimsy dollars? It’s 2015, for my-close-friend-Pete-Sampras’ sake! We’ve found an incredible option for the serious gamer: a real-life Monopoly set using real U.S. currency, houses and hotels. Each kit comes with 32 actual, livable houses strewn across the Eastern Seaboard, each worth $200,000, and 12 fully-functional hotels each worth $3 million. Price includes a beautiful locally sourced burlap sack with actual bills worth $20,580.
Floor-length jean shorts ($4,415): As if jorts couldn’t get more stylish! A bit pricey, but you’re paying for the detail: The seamstresses who make these fashion essentials have painstakingly pulled out the seams of jorts to create an entirely new kind of pant, one that stretches down to the floor.
Twister With Gwyneth ($4,600): I’ve put my own spin (pun intended!) on the classic contortion- based child’s game. Instead of a bunch of colored dots on a mat, my Twister is just one ecru dot in the middle of the tarp. It’s sleeker and has a gorgeous minimalist aesthetic. To play, you just stand in the middle of the mat and have your human picture frame read you a Basho haiku. So fun.
For the Splurger DIY novel set ($13,000): These inspirational books will have you writing in no time. We’ve found a whole set of first-edition Jane Austen novels, ripped out all the pages, and replaced them with blank pages. You’ll feel her spirit in every line that you write.
One hundred dollar bill ($1,000): What says “holidays” more than cold hard cash? Plus, Ben Franklin looks adorable here. Hang it on the wall as cute art for a nursery or fringe the edges and use as garnish for a summer salad.
Yoga mat (market price, around $106,500,500): This yoga mat is made out of a Picasso.