Three Ladies, Three Lattes: Is there a place for me in shul? – I’m gay

Three Ladies, Three Lattes looks at percolating issues in Israel’s complicated social and religious fabric. Secular Pam, modern Orthodox Tzippi and haredi Danit answer your questions.

By THREE LADIES, THREE LATTES
A religious man at a Jerusalem gay pride parade. (photo credit: ILLUSTRATIVE: MARC ISRAEL SELLEM)
A religious man at a Jerusalem gay pride parade.
(photo credit: ILLUSTRATIVE: MARC ISRAEL SELLEM)
I am a 30 something man from London, Jewish by birth but totally unaffiliated. Recently I find myself craving the traditions I knew in my early childhood. I have memories of Friday evening family meals when my grandfather would make Kiddush and discuss the weekly Torah portion over chicken soup. Today I’m very interested in Judaism, proud of being Jewish, and would like to embrace a more traditional lifestyle. My only hesitation is that I am gay. I understand that according to the Torah I am an abomination. How could I live with that? What to do?
Danit Shemesh:
First of all, I am very happy that you are looking into your Jewish roots. Not enjoying being Jewish is like being a millionaire who forgot the access code to his millions. Your Jewish heritage is a gift of inexpressible proportions; not to open the gift is tantamount to poverty of the mind. Your memories emerging out of your grandparents’ kitchen, complete with the smell of chicken soup and sounds of your grandfather’s stories, are beseeching you to ask some really good questions. You are standing at a crossroads wondering which way to go – back to tradition or forward on your merry way? I once heard a cute quote: “Don’t look back – you’re not heading that way.”
While that is true on some level, when it comes to one’s roots, it does not apply. Looking back to whence you came is looking back to what defines you, as opposed to standing unaffiliated.
As for being gay, yes, it is true that the Torah calls the behavior an abomination. But the Torah never categorizes the person as abominable; it separates behavior from the essence of the person, differentiates between gay practices and being gay. Could you do the same? Do one’s behaviors truly define who one is? You are a Jew, whether you affiliate or not. You can still identify with your grandfather, an inspired Jew who elevated the banal to the sublime. Chicken soup can still morph into Shabbat. We create our lifestyles; our lifestyle does not create us.
In conclusion, of course join a shul. Find your roots.
Tzippi Sha-ked:
I’m pleased to hear that you’re a proud Jew, interested in embracing religion. Committed Jews are sorely needed for Jewish continuity. Committed Jews come in different stripes: political, racial, single, married, straight, gay. Committed Jews strive to serve Hashem, stretching their capabilities. Jews are challenged by God to fulfill His commandments while refining their personal strengths, weaknesses and desires.
However, halachic Judaism is not about choosing a club; rather, it is accepting the yoke of heaven. It’s not about pleasing a community, it’s about pleasing God. Does every Jew succeed in every department? No. Are some challenges more painful than others? Absolutely. Should a Jew give up if a particular area is too difficult? Not at all.
There are many ways to contribute to the Jewish nation. Find your special gift and elevate Jewish society – you are needed! Yet community is key, and here the path may be tricky for you. I won’t lie: Being gay in a centrist modern Orthodox shul may be incredibly difficult. The Torah is the blueprint for how we humans should ideally lead our lives. However, this same Torah dictates that while we remain resolute in our beliefs, we must practice compassion toward one another. Is being gay and Orthodox a mutually exclusive proposition? Many would say yes. But check out the various gay Orthodox websites and synagogues that discuss the Torah’s position on this matter, offering insights and help. As a modern Orthodox Jew, I feel much compassion for your struggle.
Pam Peled:
Just last week I was in the States at an event for our book and someone confided that her gay brother who, among other troubling issues had been unable to reconcile his sexuality and his religion, had tragically taken his own life. I would like to say that we’ve come a long way since then, but I’m not entirely sure we have.
While religion, spirituality and community can definitely enrich life, please make sure that you join the right community. Perhaps less rigid frameworks are more appropriate – a Liberal Jewish community or a Reform shul? I’m not sure how warm and welcoming a British Orthodox synagogue would be, although when I checked with a London-based friend, he claimed that no such shul would ever ask about someone’s sexuality and would certainly accept gays. You, however, might not feel 100% comfortable due to your own perceptions.
Of course, Tel Aviv is renowned for being remarkably gay-friendly. Outside of the synagogue, you would certainly feel right at home. The weather is better than in London, too! On the other hand, the Israeli chief rabbinate is unbending and rigid on religious dogma. All efforts to moderate seem doomed to failure, despite scandals and whiffs of corruption that periodically taint the holiness of even some top dogs in the institution. But in certain Orthodox circles this issue is being discussed more openly, and there is even understanding among some compassionate rabbis. If you are brave, you could join the conversation. Good luck!
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