While serving to satisfy the singles’ need for friendship and companionship, they may also facilitate and perpetuate the stubborn refusal of this crowd to utter the “C-word”: commitment.
By RABBI STEWART WEISSBelz dynasty wedding 370(photo credit: REUTERS/Ronen Zvulun)
The following classic conversation between Jerry Seinfeld and George Costanza, at their corner coffee shop, pretty much says it all (see the whole clip on YouTube, “Seinfeld: We’re not men”): Jerry: What in God’s name are we doing? George: What? Jerry: Our lives – what kind of lives are these? We’re like children; we’re not men! George: No, we’re not. We are not men.Jerry: We come up with all these stupid little reasons to break up with these women.Are we going to be sitting here when we’re 60, like two idiots? George: We should be having dinner with our sons when we’re 60! Jerry: We’re pathetic, you know that? George: Like I don’t know I’m pathetic! Jerry: Why can’t I be normal? It would be nice to care about someone.George: Yes, care.Jerry: Well, I’m going to make some changes! MY WIFE and I spent this past Shabbat in Tel Aviv, one of our favorite cities in the whole world (if you haven’t been there lately, you must go). In addition to enjoying the sun and the sea view, we had the opportunity to witness the modern Orthodox “singles scene” up close, and it was truly an eye-opener.We attended some of the most popular gathering places for the singles set: oldtime, cavernous Tel Aviv synagogues that until recently were virtually bereft of bodies, but today have been rejuvenated with fresh, young blood. One of the synagogues offers a “champagne kiddush” on Friday night; the other serves a sit-down, hotcholent kiddush following Shabbat morning services. Both are packed every weekend with young men and women, many of whom even attend the prayers.My first reaction to this phenomenon was one of wonder and inner satisfaction. How great that these people are coming together in a spiritual venue, rather than at a pub or sporting event, mingling with one another in a light and friendly “Jewish” atmosphere! It brought a huge smile to my face to see so many bright, energetic young Jews enjoying one another’s company.But my wife – who is infinitely smarter than I am – had a different reaction.There were tears in her eyes as she took it all in, and she could ask only one, all important question: “Why aren’t these people marrying one another?” Indeed, when we inquired of several participants as to just how many of these singles will end up pairing off in the near future, we were told, “few to none.” Ironically, as wonderful as it is to see the younger generation attending synagogue and participating in the weekly “meet and greet,” these gatherings may actually be counterproductive to the future growth of the nation.While serving to satisfy the singles’ need for friendship and companionship, they may also facilitate and perpetuate the stubborn refusal of this crowd to utter the “C-word”: commitment.This is particularly true of the men. I have no doubt a large percentage of the single women, including those with successful careers, are ready, willing and able to get married. Despite the amazing advances in medical science, these women are fully aware that their biological clocks are ticking, and they want to have children, to raise families and settle down now.But the men are the problem here.Though many claim that they, too, want to marry – and often do go out with many women – they simply cannot pull the trigger. They are, to be blunt, too passive and too picky. They seem to find fault even with the nicest, brightest, prettiest, thinnest young lady.They imagine that their ultimate “dream girl” – who may actually be standing right in front of them – is just around the next corner. But alas, it is they who are fast “turning the corner” into middle age, with no wedding canopy in sight.It is time that the men stopped fantasizing, stopped finding fault with each and every prospect, and made the decision to get married. To share, rather than be selfish. To think about tomorrow, rather than living only for today. To propose, rather than to procrastinate. And to do it sooner, rather than later.The women, too, have to gather their courage. As much as they want to make a good impression and be friendly to the opposite sex, they may be acting just a little too friendly. They may be sharing too much of themselves, not understanding that remaining somewhat discreet and something of a mystery is often what is most attractive to a man. We all want what we cannot have, and that is very much a part of the game of love.The singles crisis is one of contemporary Judaism’s most pressing problems, one that casts its shadow far into the future. It is particularly acute in the modern Orthodox community, where – unlike in the haredi world – there is an expectation that love, romance and passion must precede the marriage, rather than grow naturally from it.If this problem is going to be solved, not only must the young people take the initiative, but the entire Jewish community must do its fair share. Thankfully there are already many organizations and ad-hoc committees working hard to set up matches.But it’s not enough. Marriages may be made in heaven, but they are facilitated by God’s human helpers right here on Earth.Rabbis, teachers and parents must stress how important – and wonderful – it is to get married, even if they will be resented for “butting in” to others’ affairs (no pun intended). Each and every family must make a concerted and conscious effort to identify singles, dedicating one Shabbat a month to inviting potential couples to a meal, where they can get to know one another in an intimate setting. Every one of us should become a part-time shadchan.And if our young people are going to mate, we need to educate them on how to date. One of the newest nonprofit matchmaking agencies, Chiburim, assigns a facilitator for every applicant and holds individual and group sessions where dating coaches advise men and women on how to be both selective and effective.“We know how frustrating and challenging it can be to seek out the right partner,” explains the group’s founder, Judi Stern, “and so we ‘hold your hand’ from the beginning of the process until the happy ending.”JEWISH TRADITION places the highest priority on matchmaking, a vocation that God Himself inaugurated when he “fixed up” Adam and Eve; indeed, we evoke the image of the Garden of Eden at every Jewish wedding in the recitation of the sheva brachot. Jewish law permits engagements on days when other “transactions” are prohibited; and even when a death in the family occurs, a scheduled wedding is not postponed. The greatest act of holiness occurs when two people wed, and so the occasion is known in Hebrew as kiddushin, from the word kodesh, sacred. And all those involved in the arrangement of a marriage acquire the honored title of “God’s helper.”There is an apocryphal story told of the Steipler Gaon (Yaakov Yisrael Kanievsky, 1899-1985), who was once asked to officiate at a wedding that took place in his yeshiva. Just moments before the ceremony, the groom got cold feet and said he could not go through with the marriage.The Steipler walked into the study hall and said to his students, “A young bride is standing at this very moment before the huppa, alone and bereft. Whichever one of you young men is prepared to step forward and marry her, I promise you a large portion of my share in the World to Come.”One of the students indeed came forward, the documents were appropriately altered, and they were married. Last I heard, they had seven children and many, many grandchildren.It takes courage, faith and a whole lot of hard work to make a marriage succeed. But like most things in life, the benefits are commensurate with the effort. It’s hard to move off the dime, to make bold decisions. Indeed, many singles tell me they are so entrenched in the scene and the system, they feel that they are “stuck in a rut.” I appreciate that, but my response is that the only difference between a rut and a grave are the dimensions. So get out, get married and get a life. ■The writer is director of the Jewish Outreach Center of Ra’anana. www.rabbistewartweiss.com.jocmtv@netvision.net.il
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