Stock Image: Abbas talking to card board cut out picture of
US President Barack Obama.

 The White House released a transcription of a conversation between President Obama and President Abbas after Benjamin Netanyahu’s Likud won the elections. Both the White House and President Abbas’ office have since complained the transcription is deeply flawed and will release a correction later today.

Abbas: Thank you for taking my call, Mr. President!
Obama: [A fork banging against a plate is heard just before the President speaks] Thank you for calling, Mr. President, what are you up to?
Abbas: I’m sitting on my hands, I’m like a retired man watching checks come in and cashing them. What’s up with you?
Obama: I’m pissed off at Bibi, he was supposed to lose the election, I’m also preparing to totally capitulate to the Iranians, Kerry tells me it’s the one thing the US has never tried with them since the revolution.
Abbas: Kerry is thorough if not wise. If only I had you to deal with you rather than Benjamin Netanyahu, he doesn't get it!
Obama: I wish you could just deal with me too, but I can’t blame Bibi for winning.
Abbas: But after my conversation on the phone with him, I feel so betrayed!
Obama: What conversation?
Abbas: I called him last week, I said “I am going to make this totally easy for you, we demand a Palestinian State with Ramallah as its capital, the right of return for all refugees will be in Palestine and we love land swaps! Just say yes, I want to announce peace today!”
Obama: Whoa, Good for you, what did Bibi say?
Abbas: He looked a gift horse in the mouth.  He asked, who runs Al Aqsa? So I tell him, “I don’t care if Jordanians, Palestinians or Israeli Arabs are in charge and I don’t care who goes there to pray, you can let me know who runs it – I’m going to have enough on my plate.”
Obama: “So what did Bibi say?”
Abbas: He said, “You can’t fool me, Sara – this isn’t funny!” and he hung up on me and then said in public he was against a two state solution!  I got so desperate to end it all, I thought about having elections.”
Obama: You should have called me if things got that bad.
Abbas: Thanks for the concern but you know I was going to nothing until the feeling went away.
Obama: What a reversal, I remember when you were against a two state solution just two weeks ago! Why did you decide to go with just a viable Palestinian State, this is not exactly your style.
Abbas: I figured with all the instability in the region it is time to just be practical and take advantage of opportunities. Get a state, make sure there’s no buffer between us and Jordan, destabilize Jordan which will have to choose between the PA and MB and where I think we win and then with a unified Palestinian State on both sides of the river we make the Jews drink from the sea. One state with a solution!
Obama: I have to admit, that’s a good plan I could support. Hit ‘em with their own mandate!
Abbas: We gotta mandate to kick tail!
Obama: Why don’t you call Netanyahu back, even the Arab League isn't taking his election night rhetoric seriously.
Abbas: No way, I’m too pissed. The only way I’d talk to Netanyahu now is if he promised me everything I want first.
Obama: Sad, we were so close to peace – If only Netanyahu lost.
Abbas: You think I’d call Isaac Herzog? Ha!  The mail man is here, I gotta see if any checks came in. Take care, Mr. President.
Obama: Take care, I’m just wrapping up lunch at my desk. [To himself] Dammit, no ketchup! [To intercom] Get the secretary of state on the line, right now!

Note: This is satire, at no point was Benjamin Netanyahu in danger of receiving a call from Abbas offering reasonable concessions or a peace deal.

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