Poly-dating

Dating more than 1 person not only increases your chances of meeting someone, but it also keeps you from falling for anyone too quickly.

By TAMAR CASPI SHNALL
Polydating (photo credit: Courtesy)
Polydating
(photo credit: Courtesy)
If your dating life has hit a lull and you’re getting frustrated or you’re back in the dating game after a failed relationship, I have one (hyphenated) word for you: Poly-dating.
Yes, I made it up – but it will be in the dictionary eventually.
The best way to get your dating life back on track is to actively date. That means keeping your options open and dating more than one person at a time. If you find yourself getting serious with one of your suitors than let the others know. Until then, it’s no one’s business who – or even how many people – you’re dating.
I came to this conclusion a few years ago after wasting many months corresponding with a guy I had met on a Jewish dating website but who lived in another city. I made the mistake of thinking that it was the making of a serious relationship and rather than go out and meet other people in person, I chose to stay home and talk to him on the phone for hours. We had deep and meaningful conversations; we exchanged personal information and talked about what we wanted for our future. When we finally met and went on a date, we each soon realized it wasn’t meant to be – and I was livid with myself for having passed up on other opportunities.
I had ignored numerous emails from other suitors and turned down a number of dates all because I thought I should be loyal to the guy I met first. Silly me. Luckily these websites keep everything archived, and I was able to later go back and let these men who had contacted me know I was available again.
From then on I went on dates left and right (keeping in mind the advice I received from my bubbie about accepting every date) and kept an open mind.
Some were one-and-done kinds of dates, others progressed to date No. 2 and a few developed into something more. Even then, I was hesitant to stop poly-dating until I felt confident that one of the relationships was becoming serious.
No one could fault me for poly-dating; many other people were doing it and I had even been victim myself to the “it’s gotten serious with someone else” breakup spiel. We all have. You know that conversation: you’ve been dating someone for a while and things are chugging along nicely. You’re comfortable, enjoying yourself and hoping to have “The Talk” soon. When the phone rings you’re excited to plan another date, but instead you get told that he or she has gotten serious with someone else and wants to see where it’s going. It’s a tough conversation to have but it’s a common one, and so you should always react with class and wish your former prospect luck.
Usually it’s not such a blind-side though. Usually you know it’s coming. Usually you feel similarly and have even thought about making up another prospect just as an excuse to put an end to your agony. Alas, most people don’t want to jinx themselves by pretending to have met someone awesome.
After all, your date isn’t that bad; having him or her is better than being alone, and who knows, maybe things will get better and the feelings will develop? You can avoid settling by poly-dating. And once you realize one person isn’t worthy of your time, you can end things with him and either add someone else to your rotation or concentrate on whoever is left.
As long as you’re not lying to anyone about your status then you are not doing anything wrong.
Chances are, at the beginning, nobody is going to ask you if you are dating anyone else because they are dating other people too. Eventually you may have to ’fess up but, for the most part, what they don’t know won’t hurt them. The only time you will ever feel bad is when a prospect who clearly isn’t poly-dating is really into you, forcing you to break things off. Don’t lead someone on when you have other prospects lined up. Cut him loose so that he can meet someone else. That’s life in the single lane.
Poly-dating not only increases your chances of meeting someone, but it also keeps you from falling for any one person too quickly. If you’re overly excited about someone you’ve only “met” online, you need to be poly-dating. If you’re already sounding out your first name with his last name after one date, you need to be poly-dating. If you’re still not being asked out for Prime Date Night after three dates and are instead sitting at home alone, you need to be poly-dating. If you’re telling people you have a girlfriend but said girl is still claiming to be single, you need to be poly-dating.
Poly-dating is not being a player – you’re not purposely out to hurt someone or deceive someone.
The one thing I caution against is getting intimate with your suitors; once you take a relationship to that level, it’s time to call it off with all the others.
If you’re out to meet your future spouse, spend your dates getting to know one another, finding out what you have in common and seeing if you can spend long periods of time together without just acting on the physical chemistry. Poly-dating should be fun and carefree; don’t act like you’re on a job interview or treat poly-dating like a chore because then you will come off either as desperate or a bore. Keep dating as usual – just get out of the habit of thinking that every first date should turn into a relationship.


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