How to cope

‘Fifty Shades of Grey,’ Fox News. Never heard of ’em.

By PHILIP GOLD
‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ poster (photo credit: REUTERS)
‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ poster
(photo credit: REUTERS)
It’s a fact: There is so much in the world to ignore that ignoring it can quickly become overwhelming.
I know. Some years ago, I set out to become exigently, exceedingly and exactingly uninterested. Today, I can report with some pride, I’m a Role Model of 21st-Century Obliviousness.
To me: Bar Refaeli is a ranch in Texas.
Fifty Shades of Grey refers to blackand- white TV sets.
Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga, Fox News (“We Distort, You Cavort”), Jeff Bezos and Taylor Swift head my “Never heard of” list – a document growing almost daily, as more and more politicians are added.
Still, I’m no misanthrope. Graciously, I’ve developed a set of guidelines and practices to help people keep what’s left of their sanity.
I no longer listen to anyone who yells at me. So the “in your face” style is fashionable? So the one who shouts loudest wins the argument? I simply smile, note that there are well over six billion people on the planet and that, no doubt, somewhere, there are those who would be happy to have you shout at them and get in their faces. Go now, with blessings. Seek them out.
I’m a great believer in the total equality of men and women, and in paying serious attention to women’s concerns – have been for decades. As for flaunting feminist ire, standard response: “I’m a Keynesian feminist.
You know, John Maynard Keynes, the great economist. A Keynesian feminist holds that there is a massive oversupply of angry women, and no discernible demand.”
I’ve survived several encounters, including with the editor of this paper, after offering this thought.
Then there are the Thingsters and the Careersters: people who want you to know how much they have and/or how important they are.
Thingsters can usually be shut up – and often deliciously offended – by a simple, ingenuous query. “Why do you want me to know this?” As for Careersters, those who insist on reading you their resumés – I used to cope by introducing myself as the executive director of the “A4/PM,” the American Association for the Advancement of Applied Peripherometrics. Our motto: “If it’s far enough out, we’ll measure it.”
Oh yes, they’d heard of me and my pioneering research.
Great to be so well-known. However, I terminated this tactic after getting into several acerbic dialogues about Peripherocentrism – when you don’t want to face the big problems, so you worry the little ones to death.
“May I measure your head?” People didn’t always respond well.
So now, I just tell them that I’m a retired Pentagon official, formerly DA/SUN/ SecDef for B, S, M & G (L). That’s Deputy Assistant Sub-Under Secretary of Defense for Boots, Shoes, Mittens & Gloves (Left Only).
Many are impressed.
Having adjusted my human contacts, I then took on the media.
Try these: Prune headlines. Never read or listen to anything with the words “things you need to know about,” as in “500 Things You Need To Know About Nothing In Particular.”
Avoid everything with the words “celebrity” or “celeb,” especially when paired with “you need to know.” As in, “500 Things You Need To Know About who’s sleeping with, splitting from, suing for, dishing on, sending up, putting down, writing about, selling this, buying that, or has problems with the IRS.”
Politically, disregard appeals such as: “We must save Samovia from Russian aggression – for we are all Samovars now.”
And of course, assiduously ignore anything with the words “Obama vows” or “Netanyahu warns.”
If you get past the headlines, you’ll note a deplorable tendency in modern journalism to bury the relevant information at least half a dozen “grafs” into the story. These always start with something providing “slice of life,” as for example, in Samovia, “Nehemiah Raskolnikov sits on his porch and ponders the universe.”
Also avoid articles padded with “dueling experts.” The duel usually exists only in the mind of the writer; the experts may never have encountered, let alone heard of, each other. And whenever an expert is not identified by name and affiliation, he or she probably doesn’t exist.
Finally, beware of VSLs, video sales letters, the Internet version of the old TV infomercial. They run half an hour or more, with no pause or rewind or fast-forward capability. Whatever they’re selling, it’s like the suitor who keeps telling his beloved how good it’s going to be, but never gets around to doing it. And most of them have the production values and intellectual quality of a 1950s army boot camp VD training film.
There are other techniques I could mention. But none of us can avoid the human race and its products entirely.
So try this: Whenever you run across some exceptionally idiotic commercial, or book, or film, or politician, or self-appointed spokesperson for God, or whatever...
don’t just tsk-tsk and tut-tut and gush, How awful. Instead, tell yourself: This is what they think of me. This is what they think matters to me. This is what they think I want, or can be made to want.
This is what they think I am.
The writer remains hopeful.