Finding a soul mate

In the world of dating, ‘never say die’ should be your mantra because giving up is not an option!

By TAMAR CASPI SHNALL
first date 521 (photo credit: Courtesy)
first date 521
(photo credit: Courtesy)
My friend Lauren told me that she recently froze her online dating account. She said she could be going on a date every night of the week with a different guy, but none of them ever pan out and she’s exhausted from having the same first-date conversation over and over again. She’s sick of giving opportunities to guys that she knows aren’t right for her and never hearing from guys she thinks she hit it off with.
Why is she having such a tough time getting closer to meeting her soul mate? Lauren is active in the Jewish community, locally and internationally.
In fact, she works for a Jewish organization, so she has the scoop on every guy available, and she attends Jewish single events regularly. She’s doing everything right. I checked her online profile and her pictures are great, her descriptions are witty, and her expectations are reasonable. She is always well dressed, made up, her hair is done, and there’s a smile on her face.
She’s got a great personality: incredibly smart and funny, with the right amount of self-deprecation and sarcasm.
She has a lot of great hobbies, is well-read and is able to speak on a number of topics to make for an interesting conversation partner.
So why is she having such a tough time getting closer to meeting her soul mate? Lauren doesn’t have an ungainly demeanor, and she doesn’t have a hidden temper. I’ll be honest and admit that she’s not gorgeous, but she is above average in the looks department.
She comes from a wonderful, cohesive family and has plenty of friends who adore her. She volunteers and raises money for meaningful causes. She’s an all-around great girl, and I’m proud to call her my friend.
So again, why is she having such a tough time finding her soul mate? Lauren has had a few long-term boyfriends and, like anyone else approaching 30, she’s had her share of good and bad break-ups. Lauren has paid her dues. She’s getting closer and closer to meeting her soul mate, even though it may not look that way from her point of view.
Lauren is far from alone in her situation.
Many single guys and girls wonder why they’re still single when they have so much to offer.
Sometimes they’re just blind as to how they truly come across on dates, but for the most part it’s simply timing.
I told Lauren to take her break and then go right back into the dating world because her chances of meeting her soul mate are even slimmer by not being on a Jewish dating site. When she does return to the dating game, she needs to do so by jumping in head first with a smile on her face and a positive outlook, otherwise her break will have been for naught.
Then I advised her to keep going on those dates no matter how redundant they seem. Eventually it will happen for her. One date, one night, will seal her fate. It only takes one time for a date with seemingly repetitive questions and textbook answers to turn into your conversation partner for the rest of your life.
I know it’s easy for me to say this, since I’m with “S” and not single anymore, but I tried to reassure Lauren by telling her that each day that goes by is one day closer to the day she meets her soul mate. It’s so cliché, but in dating patience and persistence are the keys to success. Blah, blah, blah, right? But what is Lauren going to do – give up and stay single the rest of her life when all she really wants to do is get married and start a family? Some women are confident with being alone and independent for the rest of their lives, but Lauren doesn’t want to be one of those women.
I went on more first dates than I can count (or care to remember), but I kept going on them because I knew that sitting at home wasn’t going to get me anywhere. I had my Jew-dar on everywhere I went – weddings, birthday parties, bars, conferences, seminars, and so on – and obviously I had my eyes open when I was on vacation because that’s where I met my soul mate. It wasn’t desperation, it was reality. I knew that I could meet my soul mate anywhere at any time, so I chose to be present and ready at all times.
For now, Lauren is dating in a healthy way by taking a break and keeping her sanity. I know she isn’t going to give up on love, and I think she’ll be back online before she knows it. And soon enough, I’ll be dancing the hora at her wedding because I have a feeling she’s going to meet her match in the near future.