Purim Fake News

From the US Democratic Primary to coronavirus, all of today's latest issues with a classic Purim twist.

THE HUMMUS War has affected this melancholy plate of chickpea delights. (photo credit: FLICKR)
THE HUMMUS War has affected this melancholy plate of chickpea delights.
(photo credit: FLICKR)

Rip Torn to shreds

Discussing the legacy of iconic American actor Rip Torn during an interview last week with In Jerusalem, US Speaker of the House Pansy Pelosi glanced at a copy of that day’s newspaper handed to her by reporter Yonah Jeremy Bill Joe Jim Reginald Bob.
However, upon spotting an item on the front page mentioning Donald Grump, Pelosi surprised Bob by vehemently tearing the newspaper to shreds (along spontaneous strategically positioned pre-cut slits).
Commenting on the incident, cantankerous Burn Knee Slanders – the oldest US presidential candidate ever, having been born sometime before George Washington – said that he lived on a kibbutz once, but couldn’t remember where or when. He added he would now weigh moving The Jerusalem Post building from Jerusalem to Tel Aviv.
Construction oversight

Working hard to fulfill his promise to turn every inch of the capital city into a traffic-snarled, noise-filled construction site, Mayor Moshe Lioncub was embarrassed when opposition leader Gofer Berkovitch revealed to the media that there is an overlooked quiet spot in the city that has remained undisturbed. The mayor immediately announced plans to erect 9,000 units in the pristine area, including a 1.8-mile tunnel for train access to it.
In response, the PA denounced the plans at the UN as a “flagrant violation of international law,” and called on the international community to boycott anything related to Jews – including, but not limited to Jew’s harps – until the illegitimate, immoral and illegal Israeli plan is withdrawn.
US Congressman Adamn Schift announced that he will immediately launch impeachment proceedings against Lioncub.
In a related story, the mayor announced that this year’s 11th annual Jerusalem Marathon will feature a twist (of ankles, most likely), as it will be the country’s first “Obstacle Course Marathon.” Participants will have to navigate torn-up roads along the entire route, clamber down into pits that will, theoretically, eventually be capacious underground parking lots, and climb over walls of building starts that one day, possibly in our lifetimes, will touch the clouds as skyscrapers 100 stories high and even taller.
The anticipated numbers of participants are expected to break records (and probably bones).
The UN condemned Jerusalem for violation of international marathon law and runners’ rights abuses.
 
War and (chick)Peas

The Hummus War has long been a low-grade danger to regional stability. The Lebanese accuse the Israelis of cultural appropriation – stealing hummus to claim it as our own national dish.
To prove their unique tie to the spread, the Lebanese entered the Book of World Records with a 1,000-kilogram plate of the dip in 2009. Israel responded the next year by amassing a 2,000-kilo plate. In 2011, the Lebanese trucked in a 10,000-kilo plate of the stuff and this year it is rumored that Israel is preparing no less than 100,000 kilos of the cooked mashed chickpeas blended to perfection with tahini, lemon juice, and garlic.
In response, the Lebanese have pointed 100,000 of their missiles, loaded with hummus, at the secret site in the Golan where they believe the Israeli hummus is being assembled and have threatened to sue the “Zionists” in the International Criminal Court.
Peas Now spokesman Pita Garnish warned that this hummus interest story has all the ingredients to be a recipe for trouble.

I like IKEA

Beit Shemesh Mayor Aliza Blockhead was among the first customers of the new IKEA that recently opened its doors near the entrance to her city. Spotting her leaving with an armful of bags, In Jerusalem asked her about her experience in the new giant retail establishment. She responded somewhat cryptically, reciting the following limerick:
    I’m terribly happy to be a
    Proud mayor who lives near IKEA
 I went in to buy
A tea and some pie
    And came out with batteries, light bulbs, extension cords, wine glasses, candles, pillows, houseplants, toys, picture frames, a sofa, some chairs, a bedroom set 
 ...Plus edible seeds they call chia.
Outraged, US Democrats announced that they will immediately initiate impeachment proceedings against Blockhead and the Arab League condemned Israel, although couldn’t explain why.

Deafening silence

Some 500 celebrants who danced for hours at a wedding at a Jerusalem venue this week couldn’t hear a pin drop when they left the hall. As a matter of fact, they couldn’t hear anything drop because they were stone-cold deaf.
Communicating via written notes, one wedding guest said he looked at the sound-level app on his mobile during the reception and measured the noise at over 165 decibels, roughly the equivalent of being at point-blank range to a rocket taking off or right at Adamn Schift’s mouth at an impeachment hearing.
The now-deaf guests have nothing but ringing in their ears and lawyers throughout the city are experiencing pretty much the same on their phones.
Reached by In Jerusalem for comment, venue owner Hardleigh Heering responded, “Eh? Eh?”
Conanvirus epidemic goes viral

Still reeling from the impact of the coronavirus crisis, health authorities are sounding the alert of the spread of an alarming virulent new mutation, the conanvirus.
Individuals affected by this disease quickly become weakened by sleep deprivation, as they feel compelled to binge-watch YouTube clips of the Conan O’Brien late night comedy show until the small hours of the morning and then share them on social media, where they quickly go viral. Anyone who suspects that he or she may be affected should contact health authorities and/or get a life.
The UN’s World Health Organization has condemned Israel and published a boycott list of businesses in Judea and Samaria suspected of being amused by Conan O’Brien.

The brave and the semi-bold

This week, Freer Gay Cashman got into a taxi driven by Latka Hamentasch to bring her laptop to Harel Webman for repair. On the way, she passed pedestrian Joe Walkman and his dog Boldface near the shul run by Rabbi Shmuley Boutique and his wife, Eesha.
Webman and his able assistant Loe Takeen were unable to fix the laptop, which inexplicably jumps to semibold every time a name appears.
After cursorily examining 67 lines of text printed out by the computer, UN Special Coordinator for the Middle East Peace Process Nickolay Badenough, expressing an opinion that nobody asked for, demanded a negotiated solution based on the 67 lines, with Jerusalem – in capitals – divided into two words.