The front-page headline in the New York Post was striking: "A-Rod brainwashed by Kabbala. Wife blames Madonna, sues for divorce." I did a double take. Who is A-Rod? He is Alex Rodriguez, the star third baseman of the New York Yankees, who commands a $300 million contract and is considered the best baseball player since Willie Mays. Who is Madonna? She is the aging Hollywood pop star who has been dabbling in what she calls the secrets of the esoteric Kabbala and makes sure the world knows about her secrets. What is Kabbala? The short answer is that it is the overall term for ancient Jewish mystical lore. The long answer is that it is the study of the cosmic ramifications of our behavior, of the hidden meanings behind the biblical text and of the almost inconceivable meticulousness with which human beings must align their actions with the demands of the Torah. That is to say, one cannot even begin the study of Kabbala unless one is thoroughly conversant with Torah, Talmud and the codes; is personally pious and dedicated to spirituality; and is deeply learned in the ways of God. Neither Madonna nor A-Rod seems quite to match these qualifications. Were it not so sad, the image of the pop singer teaching Kabbala to the Yankee third baseman could be a comic invention - the once-impregnable fortress of Kabbala overrun by fools and miscreants. This concealed and mystery-laden discipline, which represents hiddenness and quiet meditation, has reached the nadir of its millennia-long history by being dragged onto the headlines of a garish and sensationalist New York newspaper. The unkindest cut of all is that the headlines link Kabbala with two individuals who are not even Jewish and certainly have no Judaic learning whatsoever, who cannot read or understand a Hebrew word, who cannot even pronounce the word "Kabbala" correctly, who know nothing of its provenance, and whose closest encounter with things Jewish is the corner deli. This transcends ludicrous; it is absurd, grotesque and farcical. It is, in a word, unadulterated lunacy. WHAT ATTRACTS the rich and famous to Kabbala? First and foremost are some very creative modern witch doctors - medicine men who promote it the way elixirs and potions and snake oil were once peddled to a gullible public. These pitchmen claim that there are no prerequisites to learning Kabbala and that it demands no personal obligations or responsibilities. This is a powerful mix: You unlock the secrets of life, attain peace of mind and you don't have to invest anything of yourself into it. There are no restrictions on the way you live, no thou-shalts and thou-shalt-nots, no refraining from any behaviors that you enjoy, no withdrawal from things you desire, no ongoing study or prayer requirements, no arduous paths of self- discipline. Just pay a nominal membership fee, read a pamphlet or two, and you're in. Occasionally you simply sit in front of a lit candle, meditate, chant a few mantras and - oh yes, wear a red string around your wrist, like Madonna does. (The string is on special this week at your friendly Kabbala Center for $29.95 plus shipping and handling. Also available this week only at special prices are incense, soaps, holy water and energy drinks.) Why engage in a strenuous climb all the way to the top of a mountain in Nepal to attain serenity from a guru, when with much less effort you can walk around the block and drop in to your convenient neighborhood Kabbala Center in Los Angeles or New York or other cities of your choice? BUT WHY are celebrities especially attracted to such quackery? Perhaps because these people are the least serene and therefore the most vulnerable of all. They have been aiming all their lives at celebritydom and all its attendant appurtenances: The limitless money, the adulation and genuflection of the masses, the fulfillment of every whim and desire, the huge mansions and servants and fawning assistants and yes-men, the power and the influence. And now, after struggling and clawing their way up to the top of the greasy pole, they find it to be an empty shell. Inside their own souls, in the dead of night, there still lurks a hollowness, a desire for meaning and purpose, a yearning for a life that transcends the crassness that surrounds them. Is this what I have striven for all my life? Is that all there is? Some react to this inner yearning by resorting futilely to drugs; others to a restless, never-ending whirl of adventures and even more material pleasures, which yields up even more frustration. A few of the more sensitive ones find meaning in doing good works, worthwhile endeavors which bring them some inner satisfaction and fulfillment. Most, however, seek shortcuts to ease the sense of emptiness that besets them. Enter Kabbala - which, they are told, can painlessly unlock their hidden selves and make them feel good. But - as the life of Madonna herself attests - tranquility continues to elude them. She is engaged in a constant, headlong rush for publicity and notoriety to satisfy her insatiable needs for recognition. She is eminently successful with the headlines, as per the A-Rod affair. But inner peace continues to elude her. For there are no shortcuts to anything worthwhile in life: The concert pianist has practiced countless years; the outstanding athlete has worked at his skills for a lifetime (ask A-Rod); the great scholar has invested endless hours of day and night labor on his studies; the truly spiritual person has worked at it for decades. Madonna herself surely worked hard to become a pop-star personality. Not even pseudo-Kabbala can grant serenity without some personal investment of self-discipline and spirituality. HERE IS some non-mystical advice. A-Rod, forget Kabbala. Go back to being the best human being you can be. Go back to your wife and children. Take them to church with you. Give 10 percent of your earnings to good charities. Help those in need. Forget the incense, holy soap and the false promises of inner peace. Be the best Alex Rodriguez you know how. You will be a much happier man. And your batting average will undoubtedly improve. Madonna: Forgive me for using a non-kabbalistic but Yiddish phrase - enough already! There comes a time when getting yet another headline is simply not worth it. You are almost 50. It is time to act your age. Remove the red string from your wrist and enter the ranks of gracefully aging ex-movie stars. Join the church choir. You too will find that tithing your earnings to legitimate and worthwhile charities and devoting your energies to them will give you some of the tranquility that you obviously yearn for. Drop the Kabbala the same way you drop boyfriends. Let your fans remember you as a great entertainer and not as a gullible dilettante. The object lesson is the same for the rest of us ordinary non-celebrities: Beware of fast-food religion and drive-in spirituality. The writer served as rabbi in Atlanta for 40 years, is the former editor of Tradition magazine, has written nine books, and is presently on the editorial staff of the Encyclopedia of Mitzvot.