Feelings of inferiority: A psychological and religious mindset
Helping someone overcome their unrealistic sense of self and other dependencies is easier when the person is in a place of pain.
By SEYMOUR HOFFMAN, AVROHOM GERSHON HOFFMAN'You look upon life vertically, as a gradient of worth, and cannot accept that you don't see yourself at the top.'(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)
J.P. Tangey recently made the interesting and significant point that pride, shame and guilt are all related, while making an important distinction between “authentic” and “hubristic” pride.Authentic pride is the sense of self-confidence and efficacy one gets from a realistic appreciation of one’s achievements, behavior, humility and ability to appreciate constructive criticism.Hubristic pride, on the other hand, is defined as negative pride, or what we commonly call narcissism. The basis for this pride is an unrealistic sense of self that constantly needs validation from others. It is characterized by people who are constantly looking to prove themselves in the eyes of others, who are hyper-sensitive to criticism, have a tendency to perceive relationships in a competitive manner, and are basically dependent on others to verify their inflated self-worth.Helping someone overcome their unrealistic sense of self and other dependencies is easier when the person is in a place of pain. It is difficult if not impossible to do so when they are benefiting from their arrogance, abuse and use of others and they are not in pain or looking for change.Confrontation is a technique used in therapy to recognize shortcomings and their possible consequences. It is a counseling skill that attempts to gently bring about awareness in the client of something that they may have overlooked or avoided.The following is an excerpt of a relevant psychological case study.A psychologist brought a case to a supervisor of a woman who was preoccupied with her self-worth to a degree that it was causing her much mental misery. The woman was seeking psychological counseling after having undergone three years of psychoanalytic therapy in which her lack of self-esteem was traced back to her family of origin. Of particular note was the fact that her elder sister, a successful physicist, received all the accolades in the family, and in the opinion of her parents, “a woman could never really make it.”However, psychoanalysis failed to improve her preoccupation with her own worth, and she asked for a short, practical treatment, feeling that she had enough of understanding herself.After seven sessions, the therapist felt stalemated by the patient’s disqualifying moves, and discussed the case with Prof. Haim Omer. Below is an excerpt of the intervention recommended by the supervisor.“Maybe what I am going to tell you will not look like therapy at all. I believe you really have a flaw, a spiritual flaw. Your flaw is the sin of pride. This might seem strange to you, as you don’t feel proud of yourself at all.“The sin of pride, however, is a deeper thing. It consists in worrying oneself constantly about one’s stature as compared to that of others, in disparaging... their opinions, or in being so overawed by the great that nothing counts so much as being admired by them.“You are obsessed with pride. You look upon life vertically, as a gradient of worth, and cannot accept the fact that you don’t see yourself at the top.... The sin of pride carries its own punishment, dooming you to go round and round with never a hope for satiation or fulfillment.“In all cultures there has been one antidote to the sin of pride: self-abasement. If you want change, you will have to learn to mortify your overblown self, to starve your appetite for admiration, to fight your arrogance.... If you want to improve your self-esteem, there is nothing I can do.“Your true enemy, however, is pride. It contaminates all in your life, your relationship with your husband, your daughter, your friends, your peers. You were right in feeling that sympathetic support is not what you need in therapy. Neither do you need further examination of what you underwent as a child. You knew you wanted stronger medication, and this is the line that I think we should follow.”After applying this form of confrontation, the therapist reported significant improvement, and therapy was terminated after three months.“A TIME to break down, and a time to build.... A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing” (Ecclesiastes 13).The book Binat Hamidot (Feldheim 2007) was recently published by the haredi organization Binat Halev. The purpose of the book was to guide spiritual leaders and rabbis on how to treat the educational and emotional problems of yeshiva students. Contributors included Rabbi Elyashiv and other outstanding haredi rabbis.One of the questions raised was, “If a person feels such a terrible sense of inferiority that he is incapable of doing anything, is this also an attribute/character?”Answer: Surely, because feeling inferiority is pride. If one is full of pride, one believes that things should be the way he thinks and not otherwise. And that’s what hurts him. If he did know what he really was, he would not be hurt. It hurts him because he thinks he is great and does not receive what he deserves.” Two similar viewpoints from two far-apart worlds! Seymour Hoffman is a senior clinical psychologist who recently published Scrupulosity: Rabbinical Views, Treatment and Case Studies. Avrohom Gershon Hoffman works as a Torah editor and also lectures on Talmudic topics.
