This Purim week in Jerusalem

What is happening around Jerusalem this week.

A LIGHT RAIL TRAIN waits at a station in Jerusalem. (photo credit: MARC ISRAEL SELLEM/THE JERUSALEM POST)
A LIGHT RAIL TRAIN waits at a station in Jerusalem.
Raul McCartwheel petrocks
Jerusalem Raul McCartwheel and the Petrocks will perform a disconcerting concert for one performance only on Purim after taking a dip in Sultan’s Pool.
McCartwheel and his dendrofilous bandmates will provoke Jerusalem audiences with their trademark cacophonous sounds produced by ribazuba maracas and other offbeat (in both senses of the word) instruments.
Labrose lead singer Lip Jagger, misodoctakleidist keyboardist Hilbilly Preston, who tortures the ivories, and the ever-spiritual George Harrisitar all have threatened to accompany McCartwheel on their least-unknown musical standard-bearers – such as Onygophagist Love and Hircine Wallydrag, which recently missed topping the pop charts by just thousands of places.
Although they are in Jerusalem for one performance only, the Petrocks have promised to disclose their itinerary for the remainder of the tour, thereby enabling all music lovers and other sane people to meticulously avoid accidentally showing up at future performances.
Mayor Near Bearkat contacted Roger Muddy Waters and BDS groups to attempt to enlist them in an effort to launch an email and social media campaign to pressure McCartwheel into boycotting Israel, but those groups instead embarked on a vigorous grassroots effort to persuade the Petrocks not only to go to Israel, but to expand their schedule throughout the Zionist entity and indeed convert to Judaism and make aliya.
In a transparent ploy to prevent the concert, Bearkat has declared a garbage strike.
– Baritone Davis
Blue Line route in the air After every proposed route for the Blue Rail – the extension of the light rail through Emek Refaim – proved to be objectionable to somebody, Mayor Near Breakdown announced that the final decision was in the air. Literally.
The route ultimately agreed upon by all parties is a Disney- style monorail magically and magnetically suspended a dozen kilometers above the neighborhood. The proposed route interferes neither with commerce nor with traffic in the iconic German Colony neighborhood, although bird migration patterns will be affected.
Birds will be re-routed through a tunnel to be dug under the street. Construction is scheduled to begin by the year 2525, if man is still alive.
In Jerusalem transportation expert Symbol Earlick gleefully noted that the new route will accept not only erech tzavur, but also Disney dollars. Truly Seagull Itchkostitch is seeking assurances that no-smoking signs will be prominently displayed on the platform of the 12-kilometer-high elevated station.
Lacking any other course of action or even pretext, the city council is mulling declaring a garbage strike.
Comprehensive haredi-secular agreement reached
Scandalous arguments have erupted almost hourly for the past 50 years regarding Shabbat activities in the holy city, allocation of educational facilities and much more, so the announcement that the haredi (ultra-Orthodox) and secular public have inked an agreement resolving all issues was greeted with some skepticism and surprise. The scene at the press conference was a virtual lovefest of smiles, handshakes, winks and back-slapping as leaders of both groups embraced each other and stressed not their differences, but what they share in common – including a penchant for expensive cigars from influential donors and unmarked envelopes stuffed with currency. Sara Netanyahu requested and was granted permission to collect all bottles after the event and keep the returned deposit money.
No further details of the agreement were forthcoming, although IKEA is marking the occasion by issuing a new catalogue featuring no humans at all – only goats. In a late development, the gender of the goats is now being investigated.
Representatives of the national religious sector were not immediately available for comment, as they were digging themselves out of the most recent garbage strike.
Smadar closes and opens and closes and...
On Sunday it was announced that Jerusalem’s landmark Smadar theater will close its doors for good. However, on Monday, the owners (the Harish family) and representatives of the Lev chain met and a temporary solution was found to keep it open for the day. On Tuesday, it was again announced the theater will definitely be closed, effective immediately and bulldozers moved in. Not surprisingly, on Wednesday the theater unveiled an ambitious new schedule of first-run and classic movies, and film-goers crowded in. On Thursday, the doors were padlocked and bulldozers moved even closer in, yet on Friday it was business as usual – and in a touching show of solidarity, more than 1,000 subscriptions were sold by Nechama Rivlin, wife of the president. On Shabbat, only former council member Pepe Alalu (Meretz) showed up and he had the theater to himself, plus all the popcorn he could eat – which was quite a significant amount. The next day at a news conference, Mayor Near Andfarcat trumped everyone, announcing that he would build a wall around the theater and make the owners pay for it. He denounced all further announcements about the Smadar as fake news.
US relocating things to Jerusalem
The long period of speculation is over. US President Donald Rump has announced that he is making good on his campaign pledge to move the US Embassy to Jerusalem.
For this express purpose he has purchased land in a prime location – on the Temple Mount. Stuffing their keffiyehs with suggestive autographed pictures of first daughter Ivanka, bottles of single-malt liquor and large-denomination unmarked bills, the Wakf Muslim religious trust officials defended the deal by saying that the agreement specifies that Jews will be allowed to go up to the embassy on the Mount only in small supervised groups during very limited hours and Wakf officials will scrupulously prevent them from carrying out any official business there.
In related news, taking advantage of attractive tax benefits, Rump has also decided to move the Smithsonian Institute, the Statue of Liberty, Mount Rushmore and the Grand Canyon to Israel’s capital city. To accommodate the expected flood of tourism resulting from the relocated attractions, Rump will be opening a chain of hotels featuring eponymous state-ofthe- art bidets called Rump Showers.