Only one ‘Benjamin’ able to run for PM

JROAST Purim Spoof: “Two Benjamins, three elections, too much confusion and not enough patience,”

By ZEKE KAISER

MARCH 10, 2020 13:31

The Knesset is currently working off of a presidential decree to pass a bill allowing only one Benjamin to run for prime minister at a time, following the Likud’s election win on Monday - which could be passed before the party has a chance to form a government.

The specifics of the new measure would prevent two or more Benjamins from heading competing parties at the same time, which would force one or the other to step down to allow the other’s candidacy to proceed - meaning unless someone relinquishes “The Right of Benjamin” no Benjamins can run.

The Knesset, fed up, believes that, after the excessively democratic country has had three grueling elections with a possible fourth looming, this is the best option to break the deadlock.

However, if someone were to invoke “The Rightful Benjamin” clause within the bill, it would lead current Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and Blue and White leader Benjamin "Benny" Gantz to duke it out in Knesset and plead their cases to their fellow MKs - leading the parliamentary group to unilaterally determine which "Benjamin" they would like to form a government.

“Two Benjamins, three elections; too much confusion and not enough patience,” the bill reads.

Instead of fighting the measure and combating the recent bill, Netanyahu revealed in an exclusive interview with Jerusalem Roast editor-in-chef Yaakov Kitty-Katz that he’s considering changing his name to Theodore so that he may extend his multi-decade prime ministerial reign without a hitch.

“It suited Herzl well – and anyway, Ahmad was already taken,” the incumbent Benjamin said.

"It’s oftentimes said that a true champion not only wins the belt – in this case the prime ministerial role – but also defends it,” Kitty-Katz said to Netanyahu, who was in mid-bite of a sandwich while walking through the halls of the Knesset. “Are you running from a fight Mr. Netanyahu?”

Netanyahu finished chewing the sandwich, took a big gulp, and got flustered for a second. After regaining his usual politically correct composure, he came back and said, “Hold it, wait – is your last name really Kitty-Katz? That’s the greatest thing I’ve heard today. That’s not a real name.”

Kitty-Katz rebuffed by saying, “Kitty-Katz is my real name, but Theodore is not yours.”

According to a Blue & White official, Gantz is sticking to the name his mother gave him, because he wouldn’t be able to remember a new one.

“Benny agreed to run in one election, not four. He’s so shell shocked, he can’t even sign his own name, never mind learn a new one.”

Also this week, Disjointed List MK Ahmad Tibi announced that he plans to change his name so that PM Ben could no longer use the “it’s either Bibi or Tibi” slogan to his advantage in the never-ending election cycle. The MK has yet to select a new last name, although he is strongly considering either Fibi or Glibi.

“Now Netanyahu will have to get creative with his race baiting,” Tibi said.

He also announced that he is thinking of changing his middle name to Bin Jameen.