When communicating with your partner, avoid personal put-downs, insults and negative body language.
By MIKE GROPPERUpdated: NOVEMBER 9, 2018 07:37‘THE MOST adaptive response to marital discord is to turn toward each other and learn how to tell your partner what really is upsetting you – without feeling that you will be attacked or rejected for doing so.’(photo credit: TNS)
Social scientists have established that good communication is perhaps the most important aspect of maintaining a healthy relationship. Why is it so important to communicate with your partner? Relationships are filled with so many challenges and expectations. I find that many of the couples that turn to me for counseling do so because they feel that certain expectations of the marriage have not materialized. If each partner has different expectations of emotional expression, role function responsibilities, financial status, and/or sexual expression within their relationship, conflict will ensue.Conflict in and of itself is not bad for couples. Rather, the way conflicts are managed can lead to either resolution or distress. Marital conflicts that are poorly managed may result in individuals holding their feelings inside, remaining quiet and becoming depressed or anxious, while others may express high levels of anger, which can shut down communication or spin into a vicious yelling match that can only worsen the way they feel. Some people attempt to resolve marital conflicts by going out of their marriages and having an affair, while others may develop eating disorders, addictions or psychosomatic symptoms. The most adaptive response to marital discord is to turn toward each other and learn how to tell your partner what really is upsetting you without feeling that you will be attacked or rejected for doing so.Below, I list some tips that I have found to be useful in helping couples get their communication on track.• Active listening: Are you really paying attention to your partner when he or she is trying to express something important? I have listened to some couples complain that their spouse is checking their messages on the smartphone or playing a computer game when he/she is trying to tell them something important. Active listening involves making a concerted effort to slow down and listen with an open heart and mind. This skill takes training and practice. Try listening attentively and restate what you heard your partner say to make sure you got it right. An example of active listening could be “It sounds like you are upset with me for forgetting to take care of _______, or for using that tone… am I understanding you correctly?” Active listening, like any other life skill, takes practice; you get better the more you do it.• Don’t character assassinate: When communicating with your partner, avoid personal put-downs, insults and negative body language, such as eye rolling. It only escalates conflict and leads to a breakdown in communication.• It’s not what you say, but how you say it: When something is bothering you, be mindful of how you are communicating. A mutually respectful tone – one that is neither passive nor aggressive – goes a long way in starting a productive discussion.• Try to be first in seeking to understand your partner’s feelings: When in conflict, our automatic response is to want first to be understood and validated. It may feel emotionally counter-intuitive, but try to direct your attention to your partner before yourself. Your partner will really appreciate this and will be more receptive to your feelings.• State your requests in positive ways: Have you ever noticed that those rhetorical questions, such as “Do you ever stop talking and listen?” or “I wonder if you’ll ever put the dishes in the dishwasher without me asking?” do not initiate healthy dialogue? Although at that moment, it may feel good to say it and release some pent-up frustration or anger, it does not contribute to resolutions. Instead, ask open-ended questions when you have concerns. For example, you may say to your spouse, “I could use more help with taking out the trash; do you have any ideas for how we can accomplish this?”• Cool down when the anger gets too hot: Try to keep discussions as calm as possible. If things start to escalate, take a break and re-visit when the two of you feel less emotionally charged.• Use “I” statements: “I” statements are very useful in getting your needs expressed (e.g., I feel, I need, I want). Remember the “XYZ” technique: “I feel X when you do Y in situation Z.” For example: “I feel sad when you leave me alone to do the dishes every Friday night.• Be open to your spouse’s suggestions: Try to put yourself in your spouse’s shoes and be willing to go with their perspective and suggestions. Your spouse will deeply appreciate your deference to what they believe or suggest.• Let your partner know what you appreciate about them: Tell your spouse specific things that you really like about them. Research has found that this type of feedback is correlated with happier marriages.Marriage conflict is inevitable, but there are many useful and helpful communication skills that can help keep your marriage on track.The writer is a marital, child and adult cognitivebehavioral psychotherapist with offices in Jerusalem and Ra’anana. www.facebook.com/drmikegropper; drmikegropper@gmail.com
