Dating games: Midlife lovin’

Not only do your married contemporaries not know what it is like to be single at 50, but they also don’t know what it is like to be single in this technology-driven age.

By TAMAR CASPI
Computer technology (photo credit: Pepe Fainberg)
Computer technology
(photo credit: Pepe Fainberg)
Areader asked me for advice on how to meet your soulmate when you’re single and 50. The easy answer – one that doesn’t take into account whether you’ve always been single or whether you’re divorced, widowed or have children – is online dating.
Online dating, whether it’s on a Jewish website or one where you can specify that you are only interested in Jews, is by far the easiest way to reach the largest number of people. From the comfort of your own home you can choose your best photos, take the time to write about your past, your present predicament, if any, and your future hopes, and then sift through thousands of eligible bachelors and bachelorettes at your own pace.
When you’re 50 and still single, life can be tough. You’re wearing a symbolic badge of “dishonor” that invites people to pity you and wonder what’s wrong with you and causes you to feel ashamed when you have done nothing wrong. Even the most confident 50-year-old single can be made to start questioning and doubting herself, her life path and her future. Keep your head up high; don’t let people know that they’re getting to you and forge onwards.
Not only do your married contemporaries not know what it is like to be single at 50, but they also don’t know what it is like to be single in this technology-driven age. They didn’t have JDate, Match.com or eHarmony; but you do! The key to finding your beshert in midlife is to get involved. Aside from going online, go to your local community center and register with different interest groups, whether or not they are specifically for singles. Volunteer with a Jewish organization or join a hiking group or a softball league. If you’re busy and putting yourself out there, you will meet new people who can lead you to your beshert. Everyone knows someone who is single, Jewish and in midlife – you just have to meet that intermediary.
My advice about dating when you are for the most part past your baby-making years is similar to the advice I give to divorcees: don’t spend time talking about why you’re single, why your past relationships failed and so on. Use that time to to find similar interests and exchange positive experiences. When you’re circling 50 years of age, people will assume you have been in at least one long-term relationship and that you have probably lived with someone with whom you were in a relationship.
You will get a sideways glance if you are approaching 50 years and have never lived with a significant other or come close to being engaged.
These are life experiences that are expected by a certain point, and if you haven’t then you should have a darn good reason why not. Were you in the military? Did your job take you around the world? Were you part of a covert op spying for the government? Maybe you were taking care of an incapacitated family member who recently died, leaving you with time on your hands for the first time in your life? Were you a late bloomer who attended half a dozen universities where you earned and accumulated multiple degrees? If you’ve been dating unsuccessfully for the past 30 years without any explanation, don’t be surprised when it raises eyebrows and red flags.
At your age, location should absolutely not be an issue. If a road trip or train ride is the only thing keeping you from meeting someone, now you know why you’re still single. Broaden your horizons and don’t worry about who will move until you get to that point. Stop finding excuses.
Your online dating profile should have location preferences set to as wide a net as possible.
And if you are willing to move to a few distinct cities further away, then plug those zip codes into the database and see who pops up there. But if you see some prospects with whom you could envision a future, you’d better be willing to put your money where your mouth is and hire a moving van.
You can broaden many other preferences as well. At 50 you’re probably not worried about having children anymore; you expect most of your contemporaries to have stable careers and have a place they call home that doesn’t include roommates. You’re really just looking for someone with whom to share and enjoy life, someone with whom you can laugh, someone with whom you can have a satisfying love life. So many of the silly things that you thought were so important in your 20s and 30s no longer matter. Yes, you still want to have attraction and sexual desire, but you may not care as much about hair and height since you won’t be passing down those genes to your future children.
What does matter is putting yourself out there, not having your guard up, being open to meeting anyone anywhere at any time and being realistic about the kind of person you can and want to be with at this stage of your life. You’re now looking to spend quality time with a companion with whom you can enjoy the days and nights without the pressures of procreating.