Leading by example

Singles can tell their friends how great Jewish dating sites are for their love lives, and married couples can supply living proof that Jewish dating sites and singles events work.

By TAMAR CASPI
dating illustration 521 (photo credit: Courtesy)
dating illustration 521
(photo credit: Courtesy)
A little more than five years ago, I signed up for a Jewish Internet dating site after years of thinking I was too good to “stoop” to the level of online dating. I didn’t have any problems getting dates, so why would I need to place a personal ad online, leading people to think I was desperate?
It was a terrible but all-too-common mind-set. Once I did sign up, needless to say, I ended up loving it! It wasn’t even about all the dates, but just knowing that there were so many possibilities out there made me feel a lot more secure about the whole Jewish-only dating thing.
So I started raving about it to all the singles I knew, convincing many who were also hesitant to sign up. After a couple of months of this talk, my single, handsome, successful cousin acquiesced… kind of. Instead of signing up himself, he wanted to use my account to check out the ladies, and even contact them!
I figured that with him 10 years my junior, it was worth whatever it took to further this sudden interest of his in settling down – and with a Jewish woman at that. So I changed my fourth and final photo option (this was five years ago; now you can post more photos) to one of me and my cousin together, and then we set about changing my preferences so he could see what (or rather who) was out there.
I nagged him to expand his age range, guilt-tripped him into reading profiles and into not being so superficial as to pass someone over from a quick glance at one photo the size of a stamp. Finally, I persuaded him to write the girls (via my account, of course) an e-mail.
I explained the intricacies of online dating: checking to see their last log-in to make sure they were still active; ensuring that each photo was consistent with the next; and perusing their preferences to make sure the match would be mutual.
Together we fashioned a letter, from me, to each girl letting her know I had a hot cousin who used my account “just to see what was out there, and was happily surprised” to find her profile.
We individualized the email with a unique physical compliment and a commonality we found from the woman’s profile. We explained that my cousin was in his mid-30s, in great shape with a full head of hair, a successful businessman and a loving family man – a great son and brother, but a fantastic uncle to his nieces and nephews.
Then I wrote that the last photo in my profile was of my cousin, and if she was interested she could contact me for more photos, or leave me her direct contact information to forward to him.
Quite a few women did respond to me, and my cousin was so excited by all the responses that he was about to open his own account when he was set up with what seemed at the time to be a successful shidduch. I credited his even being open to a blind date with a Jewish girl to my efforts on his behalf.
When that relationship ended a year later, I was afraid he’d return to his “random girl I met at the bar who happens to have just turned 21 a couple of weeks ago” ways, but instead he went directly online and opened his own account.
I WAS impressed. He created a thoughtful, funny and intriguing profile, complete with super-cute photos of him with his nieces and nephews.
I was happy with his mind-set and with the fact that he was finally making an effort on his own. And I still feel – even though it’s been a few years, and he’s still single – that he’ll find the right woman in the near future.
Some people just have to be eased into the whole online dating concept – but once they’re in, it’s almost guaranteed they’ll be hooked! By introducing my cousin to online dating slowly, I managed to get him interested in considering marrying a Jewish woman; and that was the ultimate goal.
Forcing online dating – or any type of Jewish singles event – on someone doesn’t work. People don’t want to be forced to do anything; but dating is an especially sensitive subject.
Being too adamant about getting someone to become an active participant in finding their beshert can actually backfire on you and send a person running in the opposite direction.
Singles can, however, lead by example: by proving how great Jewish dating sites and singles events are for their love lives. They can get their other single friends to go out together so it’s less daunting.
Newly engaged and married couples can also set a good example just by loving and enjoying each other, supplying living proof that Jewish dating sites and singles events can work.
Couples who have been married more than five years are not going to be of much help here because they have no idea how dating is in today’s world.
The most an “old” married couple can do is try to set up their single friend with a really, really great catch. Otherwise, don’t bug your single friends – it will only cause them to not want to hang out with you.
Singles need and want support in the form of set-ups, parties with other singles in attendance and help taking great pictures for their profile. They don’t need sympathy, because being single isn’t an illness or a handicap.