Dating games: Plus one

When I was single I was never sure from one wedding to the next whether I wanted to be 'and Guest' or not.

By TAMAR CASPI SHNALL
Dating cartoon 521 (photo credit: courtesy/metro)
Dating cartoon 521
(photo credit: courtesy/metro)
Back when I was single I was always nervous when I knew a wedding invitation was on its way. Would it be addressed to “Tamar Caspi and Guest” or would I be denied a plus one? If I had to go solo, were there at least going to be people there that I knew, in addition, of course, to a bunch of good-looking singles? If I was granted a plus-one but wasn’t in a serious relationship and brought a guy friend as my date, would I regret it?
From one wedding to the next, I was never sure whether I wanted to be “and Guest” or not.
When my best friend got married nine years ago, I was the maid of honor. She told me I could bring a guest since every other bridesmaid and groomsman had a guest, but at the last minute the offer was rescinded because I wasn’t in a serious relationship. My BFF told me she needed me to be at her beck and call and therefore my date – a male friend – would feel neglected, but I think she had a shidduch in mind because I ended up being the only one wearing lavender taffeta at the singles table. It was awful. Every other member of the wedding party was seated together with their date except for me, so needless to say my singledom was in the spotlight. And to top it all off, the wedding planner stood in my best friend’s shadow the entire day so I never had to lift a finger. To this day I wish I had been able to take a date to that wedding.
At my cousin Larry’s wedding six years ago, I knew there were going to be tons of singles there and wasn’t surprised not to be allowed a plus one. In fact, I didn’t expect to. Larry was marrying a childhood friend of mine and I would know nearly everyone there. At the bridal shower everyone was talking about who I was going to get set up with once the wedding came around, and I was promised a seat at a table full of eligible bachelors. I was therefore quite surprised when my seating card put me at a family table full of octogenarians.
Luckily, there was an extra seat with my friends so I switched tables. Crisis averted. I didn’t meet my beshert (soulmate) but I did end up flirting with the bride’s cousin all night and having a great time.
Five years ago I was relieved when a very distant cousin invited me with a guest, since I wouldn’t have known anyone there except family. But then the pressure was on – I wasn’t in a serious relationship but I didn’t want to go alone so I needed someone whom didn’t mind not only meeting my family but was willing to ignore the implications of being a wedding date.
Whew! Tall order. Luckily a guy I was casually dating agreed to accompany me after I worded the request in a way that let him know there was no underlying meaning in my invitation. It was slightly awkward but I’m glad he was there. He was uber-polite to my grandparents, charmed every relative and was a great dancer. What would have otherwise been a dull wedding for me ended up being lots of fun.
Then there are the weddings to which I wasn’t invited with a guest and wished I had been.
Apparently there are rules about how long you have to be exclusive or that you must be living together, or even engaged, in order to bring your date. It didn’t matter whether my mother hosted the bridal shower or there weren’t going to be any other singles there.
Sometimes I balked at not being able to bring a guest and ended up having the best time at the singles table. In fact, at one wedding in particular I reunited with old friends with whom I’m still close to this day.
None of them was my beshert but I have rewarding friendships, which are also important. So you never know, you’ve just got to make the best out of every situation.
When my husband and I made our guest list, addressed our wedding invitations and made our seating charts we had to decide which friends should be able to bring a date and which ones we thought would have fun with the other singles. Of course, money does come into play; at more than $100 a person you have to draw the line somewhere, so I got a taste of why I wasn’t always invited with a guest no matter how close I was with the bride and groom. If that was the worst issue I had, then I did pretty well with the wedding-planning politics. There are a few people I regret not having invited with a date, such as my husband’s friend Lev and my friend Emily, who both ended up marrying the people they’d been dating at the time, but I can’t do anything about it now.
I’ll just make sure they’re invited to our anniversary party.