Alternative Oscars

Tired of sitting through the same old ‘and-the nominees-are’ categories year after year? Here’s a selection of picks that would add a little more punch.

By HANNAH BROWN
natalie portman black swan_311 (photo credit: (Niko Tavernise/Courtesy Fox Searchlight/MCT))
natalie portman black swan_311
(photo credit: (Niko Tavernise/Courtesy Fox Searchlight/MCT))
The 83rd Academy Awards will be handed out in Los Angeles tonight in a ceremony that will be broadcast locally at 3:30 a.m. on HOT Gold and YES 1. True Oscar fans will want to tune at 2 a.m., when red carpet coverage begins. Those following the Oscars online should check out the official Academy Awards site at Oscar.com. They can also follow extensive coverage of the awards on AwardsDaily.com.
Rather than turning to stand-up comics to host the broadcast, this year young actors James Franco and Anne Hathaway have been tapped, presumably to attract younger viewers. We’ll see how that works out. Hathaway can sing, but based on the promos the Academy has released, the two seem rather bland.
Although for the second year in a row there are 10 Best Picture nominees, Oscar watchers see this year’s awards as a battle between the Facebook movie The Social Network and the more conventional Oscar bait The King’s Speech. That’s an interesting face-off, but to the many who complain that the actual ceremony is overly long and dull, here are a few categories you can think about while they’re giving out the real awards.
Pick your favorite:
Most Fun Couple
1. Lesbian mom Julianne Moore and the sperm donor who fathered her children in The Kids Are All Right 2. Ken and Barbie in Toy Story 3 3. Rival ballerinas Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis in Black Swan 4. Leonardo DiCaprio and his dead wife in both Shutter Island and Inception 5. The Winklevii in The Social Network
Most Memorable Line of the Year
1. “We lived on farms, then we lived in cities, and now we’re gonna live on the Internet!” – from The Social Network 2. Lionel Logue, speech therapist: “Why are you here?” King George VI: “Because I bloody well stammer!” – from The King’s Speech 3. “Dreams feel real while we’re in them. It’s only when we wake up that we realize something was actually strange” – from Inception
Most Cringe-Inducing Moment
1. Natalie Portman pulling skin off her finger in Black Swan 2. Natalie Portman pulling bloodied feathers out of her stomach in Black Swan 3. Natalie Portman twisting her knee around in Black Swan 4. Natalie Portman cutting the webbing between her toes in Black Swan 5. Trapped mountaineer James Franco cutting off his arm in 127 Hours 6. Model-skinny Julia Roberts moaning about her “muffin top” in Eat, Pray, Love 7. Lesbian moms Julianne Moore and Annette Bening watching gay male porn in The Kids Are All Right
 Most Overhyped Disappointment Starring One of Brad Pitt’s Former/Current Wife/Girlfriends:
1. Salt with Angelina Jolie as a CIA agent on the run 2. The Tourist starring Angelina Jolie as a British secret agent on the run 3. The Switch starring Jennifer Aniston as a woman who uses a turkey baster filled with the wrong guy’s sperm to conceive a child 4. The Bounty Hunter with Jennifer Aniston as a reporter taken into custody by her ex-husband (Gerard Butler)
Pair of Hosts We’d Prefer to Anne Hathaway and James Franco

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1. Lea Michele and Matthew Morrison from TV’s Glee 2. Tina Fey and Alec Baldwin from TV’s 30 Rock 3. Buzz and Woody from the Toy Story series 4. Prince William and Kate Middleton – it’s their year 5. Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg (representing The Social Network) and Queen Elizabeth (representing The King’s Speech, which is about her father) 6. Mubarak and Gaddafi – they should have plenty of free time to rehearse
Trend We’d Be Happiest To See the Last of
1. Sperm donation as a major plot point (in The Back-Up Plan, The Switch and The Kids Are All Right) 2. Supposedly mind-blowing special effects or big set-pieces that fail to make up for a terrible or muddled script (Inception, Salt, The Tourist and countless others)
Best Dance Scene
1. Natalie Portman wearing heavy make-up and flapping her arms a lot in the Black Swan finale 2. Buzz flamenco dancing when his voice is switched to Spanish in Toy Story 3
And the predictions are......
As published in The Jerusalem Post’s Billboard on Friday, here is Hannah Brown’s take on tonight’s Oscar winners.
Best Picture: The King’s Speech Best Actor: Colin Firth, The King’s Speech Best Actress: Natalie Portman, Black Swan Best Supporting Actor: Christian Bale, The Fighter Best Supporting Actress: Hailee Steinfeld, True Grit Best Director: David Fincher, The Social Network Best Adapted Screenplay: The Social Network Best Original Screenplay: The King’s Speech Best Foreign Language Film: In a Better World


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