Former hostage Arbel Yehoud reflected on the profound loneliness of her captivity in an interview with Channel 12 on Friday.
Yehoud described her survival as a daily struggle, saying, "You wake up and realize you're still alive. All that's left is to hold on to hope and pray that one day you'll get out. There are very, very, very hard moments when you just want to put an end to it yourself, and those are terrifying moments."
She recalled that she never completely lost hope. "I never lost that one percent of hope, even if it was the last vapor of it," she told N12.
The Nir Oz community, devastated by Hamas's October 7 massacre and the long months that followed, had sought to maintain a sense of unity. Exactly one year before Yehoud's release, friends from the kibbutz went on their annual group trip - this time missing three members: Arbel, Sasha, and Ariel. Yehoud later watched footage of that gathering while still in captivity.
"It was really a huge punch to the gut ... seeing them crushed, completely broken, exhausted," she said.
Yehoud's abduction
Sasha, like Yehoud, has since returned as part of a hostage deal. Ariel remains a hostage. Yehoud's memories of their abduction remain vivid.
"In the car ... as we held hands the entire time. He said something, I said something: 'Our lives are over.' And then ... they just tore him away. I didn't even have time to say goodbye," she recounted.
Yehoud was held in harsh conditions; isolated, starving, and subjected to violence and abuse, according to the interview. Only in her final months in captivity did she learn the extent of the hostage crisis, when her captors allowed access to a television tuned to Al Jazeera.
"Suddenly, I realized that many of them were people from the kibbutz," she said.
Despite her physical return at the end of January during the temporary ceasefire between Israel and Hamas, Yehoud admitted that, "physically, yes, but not in heart or mind. I'm still there. You can't get out of a place like that. To know that you got out - and others didn't."
She also reflected on the uncertainty surrounding Ariel, "To tell you the truth, I don't know [if he knows I'm alive]. But I think ... maybe, as part of the psychological terror, they probably told him."
Her friends in Nir Oz have rallied around her, accompanying her constantly. But Yehoud described a growing awareness of the gap between her own experience and theirs: “I’m now where they were a year ago,” she said.
The N12 report also highlighted the experience of another former hostage, Shani Goren, who said she came out as a lesbian during captivity. “I was in the closet for many, many years… In captivity, I told them — some were surprised,” Goren shared.
For many in the kibbutz, grief and trauma continue alongside attempts to resume life. Zohar, whose parents were murdered and abducted on October 7, recently buried their bodies after an IDF and Shin Bet (Israel Security Agency) recovery operation. “We were speechless. We couldn’t react… and it’s a new process now,” she said.
Despite the pain, weddings are being rescheduled. Nofer and Amit will marry after a two-year delay, and Maayan set her wedding date when Yehoud returned, expecting that soon “everyone would return.” Yehoud noted her mixed emotions: “I’m not in a place to judge anyone… But these are very, very, very mixed emotions.”
Sasha, who did not attend the most recent gathering, is currently in the US on a speaking tour advocating for the hostages. He recently told friends that he is engaged, saying, “It turns out that the year and a half I was in captivity also counts.”
Ariel's absence remains an open wound for Yehoud
For Yehoud, the absence of Ariel remains an open wound. “Not as alone as I was there, but I feel alone,” she said. When asked what she misses most, she replied: “Sleeping next to him, sitting with him at home, talking to him, hearing his voice.”
Now focused on advocacy, Yehoud organized a soccer match for Ariel’s birthday. “I imagine hugging him in Re’im, sleeping next to him for the first time, our wedding, our kids together. Everything. I imagine it and I call it in,” she told N12.
Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu visited Nir Oz on July 3, almost 21 months after the massacre and the kibbutz’s devastation. Yehoud declined to attend. Inbar, whose brother Tamir was killed on October 7 and whose body remains in Gaza, did attend. “At least he had the wisdom to sit and listen,” Inbar said.
Yehoud remains sharply critical of Israel’s leadership. “Decision-makers? ‘Disappointing’ is too mild a word,” she said. “The military pressure endangers the hostages, kills them, injures them physically and mentally.”
When asked whether leaders understand the risks, Yehoud said: “I don’t know if they don’t understand. I think they just don’t care.”