By DOVID BEN-MEIR
I was sitting in our new second-hand rocking chair thinking deeply about the elections we just had. So deeply, indeed, that I fell asleep and dreamt I heard these voices:"This is Alice Shtuyos in the anchor spot, live on Radio 'Five IS Two and Two', reporting the Israeli elections. We go now to our star reporter, Joey "Scoop" Fakert, winner of the Jimmy Olsen award for reporters who report as accurately and factually as Jimmy lives and reports. Joey?""Al, I'm here outside the house of Zionist Camp leader Herzog. I've a diary of sorts of people who've called Mr. Herzog since his stunning loss became known""Okay, Joey, let's have it, who called?""Well this morning at about 9:30 this morning the first call came through, a U.S. number, but it was just some heavy breathing. At 9:45 the Dalai Lama called to give some pointers about how to be active while being out of office. At 10:10 there was again a US call with heavy breathing. At 10:15 President Putin called –""What did he have to say?""Well, Al, it was mostly in Russian and I have my guys working on it, but the gist of what he said had to do with the proper way to use an election to take over a country, I think.""Well, Scoop that makes sense, the Russians do have that tradition""Yo, well at 10:55 there was third call from the US but this time in addition to the heavy breathing there were some growling sounds and they hung up. 11:15 a call came from former president of Israel, Mr. Peres.""What wisdom did he impart to Mr. Herzog, Scoop?""He said that losing is no big deal as he had done it several times. He comforted Herzog saying that at least Herzog went to bed only tied to wake up trounced, whereas he, Peres, had gone to bed a winner in 1996 only to wake up and find that he too had his well-deserved victory snatched from him by the unreliable public.""That must have been a teaching moment for Herzog.""Yo indeed. Right after Peres hung up, about 12:30, there was yet another growling phone call from the U.S.""Must be a shocked and disappointed supporter, Joey.""Alice?""Yes Joey?""Uh, my name's not Joey, it's Sam…""Well, Scoop, it's the narrative that counts, not the dry facts. You know the public doesn't want to hear the dry facts…""Yo. Going on at 14:00 another heavy breathing and growling sounds call that went on for 8 minutes. At 14:24 John Kerry called and the conversation went something like this:Kerry: Who's there?Herzog: Yitzchak Herzog.Kerry: Wait, do I know you? Are you the new Iranian foreign minister?Herzog: Huh???Kerry: Oh wait, my secretary got the wrong number. (Click)Finally at 14:35 the growler called and finally spoke:Caller: Herzog? That you?Herzog: Yes, this is Yitzchak Herzog, formerly almost Prime Minister of Israel. Who in the world are you??Caller: This is Barrack –Herzog: I'm sorry, which Barrack is that? Are you from the Galil or the Negev?Caller: You (expletive deleted) !! This is the president of the United States!Herzog: Oh! Thank you, Mr. President for your gracious call. As they say –Caller: Gracious my (expletive deleted) !! You goofed up bad! I was counting on you to get rid of that Netanyahu!!Herzog: Yes, well, the people have voiced their opinion and –Caller: Well (expletive deleted) the people! What the hell do they know! But YOU let me down!Herzog: Well, yes, ah, not all things are in our hands. My grandfather once said –Caller: That's one (expletive deleted) to say! I didn't call to comfort you.Herzog: Well then what can I do for you Mr. President? What do you want?Caller: Want??! (heavy breathing, growling sounds) I want my money back!!!And at that moment my wife woke me… and it was just a Shabbat afternoon dream, right?
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