Psychologically Speaking: Elul - a time of self-reflection

Make your goals happen by taking them seriously.

By DR. BATYA L. LUDMAN
Elul is without a doubt my favorite month. As the children head back to school and the holidays approach, it feels very much like a time of renewal and a time of new beginnings. Back in the old country, the leaves would be starting to change color and as the nights got a little cooler, it was time to leave the laziness of summer behind and focus seriously on the fall, and in particular the upcoming holidays. This is my time for serious introspection because when I ask each member of my family for forgiveness for my behavior over the past year, I fully recognize that I personally have much work to do in an attempt to become a better person. Perhaps if you haven't already begun, this can also be your time to begin in earnest to focus more time on yourself, your values and your needs. What do you want for yourself and your loved ones as you head into the new year? What reflections do you have on your life and what values can you impart to others as you embark on your own self-improvement project? For any change to be lasting and be truly effective, you'll have to really care about what you hope to accomplish and take small manageable steps toward accomplishing each of these goals. If you are realistic and motivated, know what you hope to attain and have concrete measurable goals in mind, you will be successful. Here are a few of my own personal reflections to help get you started. At the end of the day you have to decide what you can, and want to, change in your life. No one can do this for you. 1) Define your goals by being clear, specific, in the "here and now" and realistic. What do you want out of life? To realize your goals you must be able to visualize them and believe that they will happen. Pick three things you'd like to work on and write them down. 2>) Ask yourself what you want for yourself in 10 years. Also ask if what you are currently focusing on will still matter in 10 years. If not, don't spend time on it. It is small stuff. Let it go. If you can't move on, determine just why this is so and get some help. 3) We often spend more time on the things that matter the least and less time on those that matter the most. In what ways is this true for you and how can you change this in your life? Review the past 24 hours and ask yourself what you would do differently if you were given the opportunity to rewind the movie. 4) Success involves taking three steps forward even when it's along with one step backward. This is considered failure only if you fail to evaluate your progress and fail to learn from your mistakes. What are the personal success stories in your life and what are your general strengths as a person? What do you like about yourself and not want to change? It's okay to be honest. What would you do differently? 5) Live for the moment, as you never know what tomorrow may bring. The present is indeed a "present" and each and every moment will contribute greatly to the meaning you make of your life if you can be "present" in that moment. Start by taking a slow deep breath: The air is free. Taking the time to experience every single minute can deepen your appreciation for even the smallest things in life. 6) Don't let fear control you but choose instead to control your own fear. This must be a conscious choice, although in no way an easy one. It requires awareness and honesty. Try one thing that you would not ordinarily do and then pat yourself on the back for your success at simply trying. Success breeds more success. 7) Be positive. Find ways to appreciate your family and friends, the quiet of the morning, sunrise and sunset, nature and, above all, love your children and partner. Check out both your actions and your words to see if they reflect the values that you believe to be important. Remember, the more you like yourself, the easier it is to like others. 8) Find ways to decrease your stress. Too much stress can make you physically unwell. Learn to treat your body with the respect it deserves. Exercise, eat right, drink plenty of water and let go of everything that makes your life feel heavy, unwell or unhappy. 9) Invest the time to understand someone else's point of view. Learn how to listen and learn how to communicate. It can make or break a relationship. 10) Make your goals happen by taking them seriously. While it is tempting to put this work off, sit down with a pen now and jot down the three goals you'd like to tackle. Remember, start small but do start. If not now, then when? Plan for it in order to really make it happen and you too can use the month of Elul for some serious reflection. The writer is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in Ra'anana. ludman@netvision.net.il