Life coaching: Whistling Anti-Semites
In case you were worried about a sudden shortage of anti-Semites, the tutor proved that the enemies of the Jewish people are alive and well, and whistling while they work.
Jacob Silver was appointed the first Israeli ambassador to the Caribbean Island of Macocuo. Silver, a retired professor of linguistics, was excited about the position because he would be able to learn the exotic Macocuo whistle language. A native of Macocuo was sent to Tel Aviv to tutor Silver. Unfortunately, the tutor's motives were less than honorable.
In case you were worried about a sudden shortage of anti-Semites, the tutor proved that the enemies of the Jewish people are alive and well, and whistling while they work. The tutor was committed to doing everything in his power to block diplomatic relations between his native country and evil incarnate, otherwise known as Israel.
The tutor, whose name can only be whistled, had a simple but destructive plan. He was going to teach Silver the island's whistle language incorrectly. Silver would humiliate himself and leave Macocuo as soon as he puckered his lips. Or at least that was the tutor's plan.
After an intense 6 months of tutoring, Silver showed up in Macocuo ready to give his first speech. His wife asked him to use a translator for the press conference, since he had jet lag and wouldn't be at his best. Silver refused to follows his wife's sage advice.
The following is a rough translation of Silver's talk in the presence of the King and Queen of the constitutional monarchy of Macocuo.
It is a deeply painful experience to be here today.
I feel a dull ache in every major organ of my body, and in some of my minor organs as well.
Silver paused for a moment, expecting some laughter from the joke that he thought he delivered brilliantly. He was greeted by a stony silence.
I am concerned that my digestive system will not be able to handle your primitive foods. Therefore, I have brought some delicacies from my highly advanced country. I will be happy to sell some of these items to your citizens at black market prices.
Thoughts were forming in the King's head that were about to be manifested as angry whistles.
My country will attack this Island by land, sea, and air if I am mistreated in any way. So be careful how you act towards me and my wife.
At this point, a mosquito the size of a watermelon started circling Silver. It was looking for blood and it was ready to bring in backup if necessary. That distraction, coupled by his jet lag caused him to sweat profusely. Even had he been taught the language correctly, very little could have stopped him from digging his own linguistic grave deeper by the whistle.
His hands began to shake as he completed his speech.
Both of our great nations share common ideals. I propose our two great nations exchange precious resources such as driving teachers and situation comedies from the early 70s.
Please don't contact me during the daylight hours because I will be relaxing on the beach. Do not call me at night because I will be busy drinking and stealing your military secrets. Other than that, please don't hesitate to contact me anytime. Thank you.
Just as the king was about to summon his security men to remove Silver from the dais, and perhaps from the country, an amazing thing happened. His wife, the Queen, began laughing.
The Queen had been suffering from depression for the past three years. All the King's doctors and all the King's specialists hadn't been able to put her emotions back together again.
No amount of anti-depressants, exercise or therapy had helped her feel good about life, much less smile. However, Silver's botched whistle speech made her laugh her head off.
The king was so grateful to Silver for helping the Queen that he invited him and his wife to the Royal Palace that evening for dinner. Silver wanted to thank the King for the invitation, but instead whistled his desire to crack open raw eggs over his crown. The Queen was laughing hysterically at Silver's remarks.
After the tutor confessed to his crime, he was sentenced to a year in prison. He was forced to donate a large sum of money to Silver's favorite charity in Israel. In addition, he had to whistle the verse "Love your neighbor as yourself" 500 times a day.
The recording of Silver's press conference became a best seller on the Island. Silver was provided with a proper tutor, who managed to undo the damage the first language teacher caused.
Silver eventually reached the point in his language skills where he finally understood what he said at the press conference. After he heard the recording, he felt he was going to spiral into a depression worse than the Queen had suffered. But there was no time for negative emotions. It was almost time for his daily stand up routine for the Queen.
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and training sessions at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book, "Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future" will be published next year. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website , or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com
© Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb
if(catID != 151){
var cont = `Take Israel home with the new
Jerusalem Post Store Shop now >>
