No matter how exhausting and unsettling the war with Iran may be, many do not give up on preparing for Passover, especially the cleaning, which, ironically, may become more thorough and necessary precisely because of time spent in protected spaces.
Cleaning processes are not limited to washing the physical space we live in. Passover, spring, and renewal are also a good time for a different kind of cleaning: Internal cleansing, decision-making, and perhaps even strengthening what has become a common (perhaps overused) term these days – resilience. This time, however, it refers to personal resilience, a tool that can serve us even during routine days.
Sharon Dashti, psychotherapist and instructor at the Ridman College for Integrative and Complementary Medicine, emphasizes that true and long-term change must come from a motivation of self-love and, above all, compassion, rather than from action driven by guilt, which mostly stems from self-criticism.
Dashti: "The starting point is that our internal space is like a container or a home, and cleaning in this context is the desire to air it out and allow a pleasant, less crowded inner space. This crowding is an unpleasant experience inside our home, within that inner world. What creates this crowding is usually critical and punitive voices that generate feelings like guilt and shame. In the case of Passover, these connect to the plagues of Egypt, in which we metaphorically punish ourselves."
Be careful with fear-based motivation
Regarding those who believe criticism drives them, Dashti claims, "This is actually an illusion. Frequent criticism makes our home unsafe. When motivation comes from fear, I act because I worry that what I am now is not okay. Such motivation will not last and should be replaced with motivation that comes from love. Instead of exercising because I am afraid of how my body looks, criticizing it or being ashamed of it, I will do it because I want it to be healthy and strong. This shifts the focus to a more loving place in my internal dialogue with myself."
According to Dashti, the roots of self-criticism begin in childhood. "As adults, we adopt the voices of our parents or environment as our own, so the first step is to recognize the critical voice when it arises. The second step is to respond to that voice just as we would to a good friend – without blame, with compassion, and understanding that we are all human.
"If a child grows up with a voice telling them they are a procrastinator, they will believe it in adulthood. When they see dishes in the sink and lack energy, they immediately feel terrible guilt that drains them of energy. The change is to say: 'I had a hard day and I am allowed to rest.' From this spacious place, in the end, we will clean and wash the dishes, but not out of fear, guilt, or anger, but because we want our home to feel pleasant."
Decision-making that comes from choice and freedom
Of course, the benefit of meeting goals should not be underestimated. "When we check off a task, dopamine is released, but life is not just a to-do list. When we practice motivation that comes from compassion and self-love, it expands to the ability to take risks and step out of comfort zones in our career, dating, or decisions like daring to buy a home. I create a space where it is safe for me to make mistakes."
Many self-described procrastinators know the situation where they only tidy up the house when guests come, so they are not seen as messy. "That is exactly cleaning that comes from fear or concealment," says Dashti. "When I decide I am worthy and feel good with myself when my home is clean, the action comes from self-love. I clean because it is for me, because I deserve it, even if there are no guests, even not on Passover, and even during war.
"Passover is the holiday of freedom, and when I create a safe inner space within myself through practicing compassion and validation, and act from a motivation of love, the next actions and steps will come from choice rather than obligation. When the cleaning is for me, there is choice from desire, and the experience is one of freedom, and even if I choose today not to clean, it is human and does not define me or make me messy. Guilt loses its power, and I am free to choose as I wish."
Decision-making, especially at Rosh Hashanah, Passover, and birthdays, is one thing, and maintaining or sticking to them over time is another.
"Habits based on fear and criticism will not last. Acceptance and self-love strengthen and provide motivation to continue. We are asked to understand that life is a process full of ups and downs.
"On the other hand, we recognize those with 'cleaning disorders,' often stemming from a need for control, or even OCD, which can sometimes feel excessive.
"However, if thorough cleaning gives them control and order within chaos, especially during periods of uncertainty or war like we are experiencing, that is completely fine, as long as it does not harm themselves or others. There is no single correct way to cope."
Alongside all the compromises, how can we still achieve goals and improve, even without self-punishment and criticism?
Dashti: "In small steps. Each day, look at what you have succeeded in and accomplished, even if it is just one load of laundry or an hour spent sitting with the children. Here too, it is important to practice responding to ourselves with compassion, to be authentic with our desires, and not to fear when the critical voice arises.
"In my view, true improvement in life comes when I adopt a respectful and loving internal dialogue, when I feel good inside myself, in my inner home, and Passover is an excellent opportunity to start practicing and cleaning the critical and painful dialogue."
Key principles for dealing with criticism without self-punishment
1. Recognize the critical voice – try to notice when the critical and blaming voice arises, the one that creates internal crowding and harms resilience.
2. Respond with compassion – instead of using harsh words like 'procrastination,' which generate guilt and shame, speak to yourself as you would advise a good friend.
3. It is okay not to act – when we allow ourselves permission to rest and not complete the task immediately, our inner space expands and becomes more pleasant. From this relaxed place, the likelihood of completing the task increases, but this time it comes from freedom, the desire for comfort (motivation of love), and not fear of criticism.
4. Significant changes start with small steps – do not focus on expectations or comparisons to others. Even an hour with the children, folding laundry, or organizing a single shelf is important and meaningful.