How to talk to children about the situation without passing on our anxiety to them?

In one of the most complex moments of Israeli reality, many parents find themselves confident that they are managing to “extract” their children from the frightening reality outside. We whisper on the phone in the other room, turn off the television when they enter the living room, and are convinced that if they are focused on building a Lego castle, they do not hear the dramatic reports in the background. But the professional truth is that children are emotional sponges. The younger they are, the greater their ability to absorb what is happening around them without talking about it. They pick up on the tremors in our voices, our facial expressions, and fragments of information that we think we have hidden, and they process them in their own unique way.

In order to approach a conversation with children, we must first distinguish between the different ages, since each age has its own language. With children up to age 7, words are not the main tool. With these little ones, we do not “conduct a conversation,” but rather play. During play, with dolls or blocks, we allow them a space in which they can bring out what they know. A parent can say casually during play, “Here, I built a missile,” and in most cases this will be the trigger that causes the child to respond verbally and reveal what is sitting on their heart. The parent’s big challenge in this situation is דווקא silence. Often the child says something that frightens us, and we immediately jump in to reassure: “Don’t say that, everything is fine.” This response, although it is the most natural in the world, blocks the child and does not allow them to tell what they really know or feel. Our goal is first and foremost to listen, and only afterward to give them the echo and the reassurance that we are here.

As children grow older, the conversation changes and becomes more planned and concrete. With 10-year-olds, the conversation should focus on security and action: What to do when there is a siren, how to know it is starting, and what the teacher said in class. We want to open up as much information as possible that gives them tools for control. In the later teenage years, ages 16–17, the message is already about empowerment—we are here for you, but you are also here for yourself. However, this entire structure will collapse if we, the adults, are not calm ourselves. A child’s resilience rests directly on the resilience of the parent. Therefore, one of the most important practical steps is limiting exposure to information. For example, it is possible to literally appoint a family “information officer”—one parent who checks the sites in the morning and mediates to the family only the relevant changes, and in the evening the other parent replaces them. In this way, we prevent a situation in which everyone is exposed to an endless flow of videos and difficult images that undermine the calm of the home.

And perhaps most important of all: Do not talk too much. If a five-year-old says, “There is a siren,” instead of explaining to them about the political situation in the Middle East, simply ask them—“So what do we do?” They already know the answer; they just need your confirmation that they are acting correctly and that they are protected. At the end of the day, we must also be aware of our social environment. There are friends who make us anxious and others who calm us. Make sure to balance your conversations so that you always end the day with a factor that instills optimism in you, so that you can pass it on to those who depend on you more than anyone else.

Dr. Ilan Tal, specialist psychiatrist and psychotherapist, Director of the Dr. Tal Center for Emotional and Mental Support