In a reality like the one Israeli citizens have been experiencing over the past week and a half, it is natural that we want to create for ourselves and for our children a protected place and a sense of security in body and mind. It is important that parents know – even if they do not speak or understand everything – the situation also affects babies.
Every baby is born with two central biological systems that work in parallel and influence and are influenced by one another:
* The attachment system looks for security, closeness and connection with primary caregivers, and it helps the baby feel protected through connection even in situations of uncertainty in reality.
* The survival system is responsible for identifying dangers and activating defense mechanisms in situations of danger.
For our children, as small as they may be, the connection with us is their most basic biological need in order to feel safe.
Babies are social creatures from the very first moment. They are born with delicate “receptors” that allow them to learn about the world around them. These receptors are meant to scan the environment – they identify “potential” dangers (noises, fast movement, tension in the air), and at the same time look for security in connection with the parent.
What happens in a reality in which the body identifies danger?
In a situation of identifying danger there is a part that is responsible and activates the body like a “warning light”, which shifts the system into an emergency state. The system automatically changes to one of three states: Freeze, fight or flight, which are expressed through a rapid pulse, short breathing, tension in the muscles and alertness.
This is where our connection comes in. And first and foremost we need to see how we regulate ourselves, because children’s regulation begins with the parents: Just like in airplane safety instructions: First we put the mask on ourselves, and only afterward on the children. The same is true at home – when we succeed in calming ourselves, we can be the safe place the child needs.
Our ability to regulate ourselves begins in the body. This ability allows us to pause for a moment, understand the chain of events, explain emotions and act in situations of anger or danger in an organized and thoughtful way.
Children’s ability for self-regulation develops gradually, usually from the age of 6 and onward. Therefore young children cannot calm themselves on their own – they need the calming presence of an adult who will help them return to balance. The hug, the calm voice, the gaze and the feeling that we are “there” for them and together with them – all of these send their body a message of security.
It is important to remember that we parents also do not always succeed in staying calm – this is natural, human and difficult, and there is no parent who succeeds 100% of the time. Nevertheless, our influence is significant and essential.
A Sense of Belonging – The Strongest Antidote to Anxiety
Our role is not to try to eliminate fear, nor to ignore it, but to accompany it: To give space to emotions and body sensations such as alertness, rapid pulse, confusion or panic, and to show that there are people around who protect, love and care for the child, and that it is possible and allowed to feel everything.
The feeling that the child is safe within our connection is like a natural antidote to anxiety. When we are together, the child’s body releases hormones that calm them and allow them to feel safer in the world.
Studies show that the most important factor in preventing trauma is less the event itself, but rather the experience of safety that the child felt during the event.
The child may not remember exactly what was said or what happened, but they will remember who was beside them.
Ways to Calm Down
- Deep breathing with emphasis on paying attention to inhalation and exhalation
- Guided imagery
- Music
- Touch – a hug, stroking, massage and more
- Movement and releasing energy (laughter, dancing, tag games)
- Spending time outside and calming down in the open air
- Creativity and sensory experiences such as water, dough, sand or a long bath
- Empowerment and giving roles and a sense of meaning: Taking care of an animal, responsibility for household tasks and more
Orian Hayut Matsrafi, Social Worker at the Early Childhood and Infancy Mental Health Clinic, Maccabi Healthcare Services