The future of mankind is looking so bright, we may need sunglasses – but our new successors have those built in. Following a caffeine and anxiety-induced all-nighter in the office, 12-year-old Israeli start-up wonderchild, Amir Icklemacher, has developed the next stage in human evolution, which he has titled Human 2: Electric Boogaloo. This monumental breakthrough represents a huge progressive step for Israeli innovation, as well as the inevitable downfall of humanity as we now know it.
The new model of God’s now-outdated creation is equipped with enough state-of-the-art technology to make a Silicon Valley CEO sweat, including a Ki wireless phone charging pad in the left thigh, bluetooth eardrums, a Musk-approved brain control chip, a medium-size cup holder (American models will be equipped with jumbo-size), and the ability to both create and exist within the metaverse.
“It was super important to me that it could basically do all the stuff it needs to, without having to rely on any other technology,” said Icklemacher, who spent the first 11 years of his life in the elite 8201 intelligence unit of the IDF. “That way we can completely corner pretty much any thinkable market, and bring new jobs and money to Israel or whatever.”
Top venture capital firms, such as Our Gang and Missed Opportunity Ventures, have provided seed money and issued hundreds of press releases on the subject. They’ve also inundated every Israeli reporter with personal Whatsapp messages pretending to be their friend.
“He was a little bit moody when we first spoke with him over Zoom. He insisted we co-watch his favorite anime with him before we could make any offers, because otherwise we ‘just wouldn’t get it,’” said lowercase CAPITAL CEO Ivan Todie. “That said, we came away from the conversation with two points: My Hero Academia is pretty cool and we just couldn’t say no when he unveiled the toothpaste dispenser in his right index finger.”
When The Jerusalem Roast asked whether Icklemacher was inspired by classic 1980s cartoon hero Inspector Gadget in creating Human 2, the preteen looked both annoyed and confused, wordlessly turning back to playing a mobile game you’ve never heard of but that your kids love.