When former US president Barack Obama confirmed last week that extraterrestrial life is real, the world asked many questions. Scientists asked how. Governments asked where. And Chabad, quietly, asked: finally, can we talk about this?
Rabbi Menachem Mendel Gal-Axy of Chabad’s newly unclassified Department of Interstellar Outreach confirmed what insiders and conspiracy theorists had long suspected: the organization has been running a fully operational interspecies shidduch service since 1973.
“There is a Chabad house in Antarctica,” he said, noting that the organization has operated in stranger places than deep space. “Did anyone ask questions then?”
The service, officially called Cosmic Connections, has facilitated 14 successful interspecies matches and is currently managing 200 active files.
The shadchanit overseeing day-to-day operations, Devorah Neb-Ula, described the process as “basically the same as regular shidduchim, just with a longer questionnaire and occasionally a translator.”
The questionnaire, which was revealed when The Jerusalem Roast was accidentally added to a Signal group called Shtetl Among the Stars, asks, among other things: How many limbs do you have, and are they functional for Shabbat candle lighting?
Do you have a mother, and if so, what does she think of the match? What is your relationship with time: linear, cyclical, or negotiable? Do you own property, and does it travel faster than light?
'We need to speak to the mother'
“The mother question is non-negotiable,” said Neb-Ula. “It doesn’t matter if you’re from Crown Heights or the Crab Nebula. We need to speak to the mother.”
The Jewish community has welcomed the most wholesome file release in the galaxy, and Cosmic Connections has been embraced by all sects of the religion.
MK Yitzchak Shmuel-ien of United Torah Judaism issued a statement welcoming the initiative, with conditions. “We are not opposed to interspecies matches in principle,” he said.
“What we require is confirmation that the candidate has never served in any military – terrestrial, intergalactic, or otherwise – has a strong commitment to Torah study, and is available for demonstrations on short notice. If these boxes are checked, we see no reason the shidduch cannot proceed.”
When asked whether UTJ planned to formally recognize alien communities as a constituency, Shmuel-ien declined to answer, but his office later confirmed he had requested a budget allocation for “daycare funding beyond the atmosphere.”
The shadchan fee, sources confirm, is $3,600. “Chai times two, times ten,” said Neb-Ula. “Some things are universal.”
A mezuzah, sources confirm, has already been affixed to the door of at least one spacecraft. The rabbi who did it declined to comment on what the doorpost was made of but confirmed it was “kosher, probably.”