Relationship science has found that strong, positive connections protect health and well-being during challenging life events.
Thus, it is crucial for couples to maintain close relationships as they face the singular challenges of the pandemic.
For many, lockdowns and quarantines require couples to balance work and full-time childcare, and forgo the other social resources that could help ease these burdens.
The resulting social loss, anxiety and economic insecurity make it difficult to sustain high-quality relationships, especially for couples with other preexisting emotional vulnerabilities that put them at risk.
To help couples in crisis during the pandemic, it is essential to understand the bigger picture of those factors accentuating the issues. (Paula R. Pietromonaco & Nickola C. Overall, American Psychologist, 2021)
Below are a few examples from my clinical practice treating couples that reflect the systems approach I am presenting.
Couple 1
Differing views on danger of pandemic
The couple, in their 20s without children, have been married for three years. Both are professionals, working predominantly at home in their small apartment. Both have been vaccinated twice. But since the new Delta variant has been infecting many vaccinated people, the pair have found themselves in conflict about this new COVID concern.
Ester is very worried and doesn’t want to go to any social gatherings. Yossi wants to go to his best friend’s wedding and out to dinner.
They are fighting a lot because Ester doesn’t feel understood. It is not uncommon for couples to differ in their assessment of the danger and risk. Yossi has been very critical of his wife, stating he can’t live cooped up in their small apartment. He was adamant about not allowing COVID to stop him from living.
Therapy revealed that Ester’s fears were deeper than just COVID anxiety. When she was a child, her father died of the flu, which had complicated a chronic medical condition.
Although her husband knew about her father’s chronic medical condition, Ester never spoke of her feelings about the chain of events that led to his death.
After these feelings were shared, Yossi was able to be more sensitive and empathetic to his wife’s worries, diffusing the tension between them and improving their communication.
Couple 2
Preexisting financial vulnerability
The couple, in their 40s, has three latency-age children (aged 6 to puberty).
Sarah grew up in an economically disadvantaged family. Her parents had eight children, and she recalls feeling during her childhood that financially life was very difficult. Her parents, unskilled workers, struggled to make a living and provide for the family.
Sarah married Abe, a very driven and highly intelligent man. He had an administrative job at a company and made a good living, but as a result of COVID and the lockdowns, the company decided to file for bankruptcy and Abe was put on temporary leave.
Abe and Sarah called me right before his unemployment insurance was going to be discontinued. They were fighting, and Abe, for the first time in his life, had started drinking alcoholic beverages daily.
In therapy, I learned that Sarah had idealized her husband for his strong work ethic and being a good provider for the family. Facing uncertainty about their future economic responsibilities, Sarah started to nag and fight frequently with Abe.
Abe’s own childhood story was not that much different from his wife’s. His parents were emotionally abusive and also quite poor. He left home at a very young age and was determined to make something of himself. He held day jobs and put himself through college at night, eventually becoming a successful administrator.
Now, facing uncertain economic times, he withdrew into himself. Abe was unable to cope with his wife’s angry outbursts, which seemed to subconsciously remind him of his own emotionally abusive parents. He chose to drink alcohol to escape the pain and worry he was feeling.
Couple therapy helped them understand how their financial worries were triggering old and repressed emotional pain from both of their earlier lives.
As a result of communicating and understanding these feelings, they were able to be supportive of each other. They began problem-solving their financial crisis instead of destroying their relationship.
Abe put a stop to his drinking, and began putting a plan together to find new employment.
Couple 3
Preexisting ‘attachment insecurity’ vulnerability
The couple, Bill and Lisa, are in their early 30s and have two children below the age of five.
As a result of the pandemic, both parents were working at home.
During the last lockdown, Bill felt very stressed by all the demands. He was not used to being a worker and parent at the same time. Lisa was trying her best to take care of the kids as well as keep her consulting business going. She was a valued consultant for private hi-tech companies.
Bill started to get depressed and in fact became very needy, demanding more and more attention from his wife. Lisa became overly stressed and reached out to me for online couple therapy.
During our meetings, she told me her husband grew up in a family with an extremely narcissistic father and a mother who tended to her husband’s needs, often to the exclusion of caring for Bill and his siblings.
Bill suffered from attachment insecurity, a phenomenon that the literature explains is a result of the lack of consistent parental caregiving.
As the stress brought on by this pandemic intensified, Bill sought more attention and closeness from Lisa and feared she would not be responsive to his feelings.
Bill’s internal anxiety and subsequent demanding behavior began to put Lisa on overload. She simply could not handle Bill’s insecurities and everything else that was expected of her. This state led to Bill’s withdrawal and depression. In response, Lisa became very angry with Bill for his lack of sharing in the responsibilities.
Couple therapy was aimed at helping Bill and Lisa understand what was driving Bill’s demanding behavior at this time, and it helped Lisa become more understanding and supportive of her husband. It also helped Bill to take emotional stock of why he had become so vulnerable at this moment in their relationship.
MANY COUPLES are experiencing conflict during this highly stressful pandemic time. The above examples show how preexisting subconscious issues can be accentuated during a crisis and wreak havoc in a marital relationship.
These concerns need to be identified, talked about openly and understood.
Once the couples face the conflicts and are assisted in talking openly about their feelings, they have a chance to get their relationship back on track.
The writer is a marital, child and adult cognitive-behavioral psychotherapist with offices in Jerusalem and Ra’anana, and global online accessibility. drmikegropper@gmail.com; www.facebook.com/drmikegropper