For me, my incredible interview with the Almighty was the scoop of a lifetime, because as we know, He only grants an interview maybe once a millennium or two.
When I was ushered into the Divine Presence, He was sitting on a golden cloud throne with angels all around in respectful attendance. The radiance from His presence was overpowering. But His warm words of welcome soon put me at ease.
"The truth of the matter is that despite all my efforts, the human race has gotten out of hand, suffused with pride and arrogance over its puny achievements, as if the development of a few shiny gadgets can give it the power to challenge me. It seems the time has come for me to teach them a lesson they will never forget, and remind them, once and for all, who is the true Master of the universe."
The Holy One Blessed be He, Hashem, the Almighty
A divine interview
“Come in, come in, my son. You are welcome in the Heavenly Court. I am curious to hear your questions. As you know I rarely grant interviews, but I felt that I should honor your wish because they say that you are head and shoulders above all others in the quality and influence of your writing, and I have to admit that there are a few things that, as you mortals say, I want to get off my chest.”
“Dear God,” I began, “may I say what a great, unprecedented – ”
“My good fellow,” He broke in. “For Heaven’s sake, please, never use the word God again when you address me. All you English-speaking mortals make the same mistake over and over again, and you’ve no idea how it offends me, using a heathen word to name me. At least use the Hebrew equivalent of Gadol if you have to. I don’t mind names like Hashem, the Holy One Blessed be He, Almighty, etc., but God is a no-go.”
“I fully understand, O Mighty King, and I apologize sincerely. That word will never pass my lips or slip from my pen ever again. And I promise to make it known to all my fellow mortals back on Earth.”
“Great! That’s a load off my mind. Now let’s get down to the questions you wish to ask me.”
After this divine dressing down, it took me a while to gather my thoughts and courage, and I began the formal interview, vowing never to take the Almighty’s name in vain again.
“Almighty One, my poor mortal mind overflows with questions. So many that I scarcely know where to begin.”
“Well then, let’s begin with the state of the world, shall we?”
“Oh, yes, Lord King. I think, and millions think like me, that it could be better, to put it mildly, without wishing in any way to be critical.”
“My dear boy, I couldn’t agree more. I am very dissatisfied with the way things are turning out, especially after I have made possible undreamed of human advances in technology, medicine, iPhones, computers, cameras, automobiles, space satellites, and all those little gadgets that have made life on earth so pleasant. Why, only yesterday, human beings were still living in caves!”
“Yes, Almighty King, we are very grateful for all the gadgets, undreamed of, as you so rightly say, a century ago. But how is it that at the same time, wars continue to flare up around the globe and thousands die cruel deaths? And worst of all, dare I say it, we face the threat of nuclear catastrophe, even extinction of the human race.”
“My dear boy, do you think that I am unaware of all this and that I will willingly allow such a thing to happen? You can be assured that this vexing problem is very much on my mind because, as you know, I am very fond of the human race, which is, after all, as the Bible so rightly says, my Creation. And you may well ask why, with all the headaches you humans give, did I go to all the trouble to create man?”
“Indeed, Mighty King, I was going to ask that very question. Did something go wrong with the plan? Forgive me for asking, since we all know that your planning is infallible.”
“Since you ask, I shall confide in you. My plan was to give my mortal creations the ability to do with their lives as they wished, for better or worse, to give them free will and not to interfere as I do in other worlds in the universe, where I put my foot down if they so much as dare to deviate one iota. But I decided to take a big gamble to see where human development and evolution would lead, and I have to say that I am disappointed in you lot. You could have had it so good, but instead you could very easily ruin everything. And I promise you, I have no intention of repeating the experiment.”
“Well then, Almighty One, what do you propose? You alone can stop the rot and show us the way, show us where we have gone wrong, what we must do to put things right, to make you satisfied and proud of us, your creatures, and save us from ourselves.”
“You can’t say that I haven’t tried, from giving the Bible and all Five Books to Moses, to sending the Prophets to issue stern warnings of catastrophe, to bringing the Hebrews out of bondage in Egypt to become my Chosen People with the express aim of correcting the ills and vices of humanity and stopping the rot as you so aptly put it. But when all is said and done, all my efforts seem to have been ineffective.”
“Oh, Great King, I would not go so far as to – “
“No, no, dear boy, we must face facts. The truth of the matter is that despite all my efforts, the human race has gotten out of hand, suffused with pride and arrogance over its puny achievements, as if the development of a few shiny gadgets can give it the power to challenge me. It seems the time has come for me to teach them a lesson they will never forget, and remind them, once and for all, who is the true Master of the universe. “
“But what more can You do?”
“What more, what more?! I have in my arsenal such a range of weaponry that I have not used yet, and which is totally beyond the range of the very limited human mind to even begin to contemplate. And if those don’t work, don’t force the human race to go down on its hands and knees to beg for mercy and forgiveness, then I may have regretfully to...”
“Oh, no, dear God, forgive me, I beseech you not to go that far. There are still some good people left on earth, I assure you. For them alone, it is worth saving our race from extinction.”
“Nobly spoken, dear boy. If only they were all like you. In some ways you remind me of my protégé Abraham, when he pleaded for the people of Sodom. As a matter of fact, an interesting idea just struck me. You are such a shining example of humanity and I read all your articles religiously that you might be just the one I need.”
“Need, Great One, need? For what?”
“To be my representative down on earth, to be my spokesman, to be the savior of your human race!”
“But I am a simple writer. Who will listen to me?”
“Remember my son that the pen is mightier than the sword. You belong to the Chosen People, to my Chosen People. The Jews have a way with words. They love to write down their thoughts. Just look at all the books they’ve produced to praise me. And you, with your computerized word-power, can melt the swords, the guns, the bullets and the rockets, and no man shall ever again raise his sword against his fellow man, and blessed peace shall reign over all the earth, and all without exception shall sing My praises. Yes, yes, that is the role I shall entrust you with when you go back down there.”
“Great Gadol, you do me great honor, but I am just a simple journalist, a skillful player with words perhaps but a far cry from the leader you seek, with charisma, to whom all men will flock for guidance. I am only too well aware of my human failings and weaknesses.”
“Enough, dear boy, I promise you that before you return I will give you personally a complete makeover so that you will not recognize yourself. You will ooze power, leadership, charisma. You will shed your years and rediscover the lost vigor of youth, and all will wonder at your wisdom and beauty and the persuasiveness of your divinely inspired words and utterances. The more I think about it the more I like it. Your words and writings will bring about peace and avert the threat of extinction. After all, what was the point of my going to all the trouble to create human beings if they are going to destroy themselves and all my Creation? It would be an unforgivable sin, don’t you agree, my son.”
“Of course, Oh Mighty King, how could I possibly disagree with you? I am only human and You... But I still don’t see how I am going to carry out my mission.”
“Dear boy, do you doubt my ability to transform you from a lowly journalist into a super-human?”
“Good Lord, no, absolutely not, but what if – ?
“What if what, dear boy?”
“What if I should fail?”
“I dread to think of it. But now, dear boy, I’m afraid I have to leave. Duty calls me elsewhere in the Universe. There’s never a free moment up here.”
“But, King of the Universe, I still have so many questions!”
“Next time, next time, my boy, when you come up here for good. Shalom, and have a very happy human-year!” ■
London-born David Herman came on aliyah in 1966 and founded the Good Times Publishing Company specializing in publishing newspapers in simplified English, French and Arabic for the Israeli school system. He currently lives in Jerusalem, works as a translator, and is active in the field of songwriting and performing under the musical name, David Ben Reuven.