What a mercy it was to be excused from 'layning' before that crowd! A private coming of age was a divine blessing.
By VIVA HAMMERbat mitzva_521(photo credit: Courtesy)Nothing. Thus did I celebrate my coming of age – by doing nothing. It was an act of resistance at my Australian day school, where girls missed months of Jewish studies rehearsing for their bat mitzva pageant, in which they dressed in white froth to recite and sing before a mixed multitude in synagogue.The Shabbat of my 12th birthday was as every other Shabbat before it. My father and I walked to shul, but at the threshold there was a tussle. I turned from him toward the ladies’ gallery; but my father’s voice called me back. “Come sit with me!” he urged.“I am bat mitzva!” I cried.He grimaced, “Who will know? Don’t be silly; come with me.”I had davened with the minyan since I was a toddler, but now I was grown and did not belong there. I walked upstairs.As I stood at the door, a weight settled upon me. “I am a woman now, responsible for my deeds: good and evil.” What a mercy it was to be excused from layning before that crowd! A private coming of age was a divine blessing.My attitude toward bat mitzva was not a personal idiosyncrasy; Rabbi Moshe Feinstein had denounced it in a famous 1959 responsum.“About the matter of those who want to... make some kind of... celebration with girls when they become bnot mitzva. This should not be done in a synagogue under any circumstances... because a synagogue is not a place to do reshut [something non-obligatory], and the ceremony of bat mitzva is certainly only a matter of reshut and hevel b’alma [something with no substance]...“How much more so this is the case, since the source comes from Reform and Conservative [movements]. Only if the [girl’s] father wants to make some kind of simha at his home, it is permitted. But there is no concept or basis to consider this to be a ... seudat mitzva because it is only like the simha of an ordinary birthday party...[Discussion of how he would eliminate bar mitzva celebrations but cannot because there is a source.] But to innovate the practice for girls, where there is no source at all to consider it a mitzva, even in the house, certainly it would be better to prevent it, even though there is no prohibition.”In the era Feinstein penned his responsum, American Orthodoxy was hemorrhaging to other denominations both in numbers and in spirit. Traditionalists responded defiantly, fiercely guarding Orthodoxy’s distinctiveness. If the emblem bat mitzva was a pantomime in wedding costume, it was better to prevent the event altogether, they declared.WE BEGAN thinking about our firstborn Bruria’s bat mitzva nearly 50 years after Feinstein did so. The Jewish world is transformed. Orthodoxy has triumphed in its struggle for survival and need no longer evaluate ritual innovation in opposition to the practices of others. Nowadays, it is fashionable to honor girls’ births and bat mitzvas even in the haredi sanctums. We, too, felt we must mark our daughter’s coming of age in a significant way.Perhaps it was the sense that doing nothing is the greatest threat to contemporary Judaism. Or perhaps it was the irrepressible urge to recognize God’s gift in giving us a child who had reached maturity. We also uncovered a rich history to the practice in both Sephardi and Ashkenazi communities.The decision to do something was an easy one. The difficulty was determining what to do. The constraints were formidable. My husband would never agree to anything that raised the smallest halachic question. Bruria was resistant to any celebration and objected absolutely to a large party or public event. And I wanted to find a way for Bruria to demonstrate that the day she became a bat mitzva was distinguishable from any day that came before it.The fact of a boy’s reaching bar mitzva can be immediately broadcast to his community. He is counted in the minyan, leads the men in prayer and blows shofar for his fellows. How can a girl effect the same kind of announcement when she reaches maturity?Before becoming bat mitzva, most authorities conclude that a girl observes Halacha as part of her father’s obligation to educate his children. After bat mitzva, she observes the mitzvot on her own account. But nothing changes: The laws manifest identically on either side of the girl’s big day.Tradition was aligned against me, but I was determined to find something that could mark Bruria’s change of status.The laws of mourning are unique in Halacha because a parent is not obligated to educate a child regarding them (Yoreh De’ah 396:3). This principle extends to mourning the destruction of Jerusalem. If 30 days have elapsed since seeing the desolation of the Judean cities and the Temple, Jews are obligated to tear their garments. Since minors are exempted from mourning Jerusalem, they are also exempted from tearing their garments (Mishna Brura, Orah Haim 561:17).I had the idea that if Bruria viewed the site of the destruction on her bat mitzva day, not having seen it in the previous month, she could manifest her coming of age by mourning the destruction and tearing her clothes. The day before her bat mitzva she could not do this, but on that day it was her obligation to do so.Marking the bat mitzva around this observance appealed to us all. We would celebrate in Jerusalem, we would temper our joy with sadness and Bruria could avoid both party and performance.The bat mitzva would also be an opportunity to nurture our children’s love of Israel. I began planning a trip, arranging for Bruria to attend school in Jerusalem and participate in the city’s many volunteer opportunities.Once we settled on a meaningful focus for the bat mitzva, Bruria felt comfortable with a modest celebratory meal, on the condition that it was made within the framework of hesed. The invitations were handmade by people with special needs, and Bruria chose two charities to which guests could donate instead of bringing gifts.The morning after the celebratory meal, we traveled up the Mount of Olives for a panoramic view of the Temple Mount. As we rent our garments and recited psalms, we were inundated with offers for camel rides and souvenirs – a true Israel moment. Then we descended to the Western Wall to breakfast with my parents, who had come from Australia for the occasion.And so Bruria’s bat mitzva day bloomed into a season of celebration. Following her lead, we emphasized the tradition of hesed, intermingling our joy with remembrance of our losses. Bruria was rewarded with an unexpected welcome from a Jerusalem class. Those weeks away provided respite from a rough period at school: a city of refuge in an hour of need.Soon after we returned home, I started to plan our son’s bar mitzva. It will be hard to create any event as complete and as perfect as the bat mitzva was. Unless, of course, our son is called to the Torah in a rebuilt Jerusalem, where swords are beaten into plowshares and missiles into windmills. Every day we wait.The writer is a Washington lawyer. vhammer@brandeis.edu
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