Purim Parody: Trump flat earth theory proven

‘We have found the turtles!’

By FIONA BURNS
Updated: MARCH 12, 2017 08:58
US President Donald Trump. (photo credit: REUTERS)
US President Donald Trump.
(photo credit: REUTERS)
“We have found the turtles,” announced US President Donald J. Trump in a press conference in Washington on Wednesday.
“All of them,” he continued, referring to the turtles, “Every last one of them. We found them all, and the universe, which is a place that I respect very, very much – a tremendous place – is saved.”
The press conference was hurriedly organized and therefore had failed to include the usual golden glitter that accompanies the president upon entering the room.
Trump then went on to explain that contrary to what has widely been believed for the past five centuries, the Earth is in fact flat as a pancake and is carried by herds of “beautiful” turtles around the “eternal and great, truly great” universe.
“As it turns out, the Indians – great people by the way – got it right all along,” the president commented.
Trump says he believes that it is only due to what he calls “the culture of the dishonest fake-news media,” that “we” have failed to see the truth until now: “Where are all the turtles? You tell me!” he almost-yelled at reporters present, and especially at a what is now known as fake-news Meshigene Post reporter Haman Harasha, who seemed genuinely afraid of the feverish-looking president.
Republican Rep. Lamar Smith, chairman of the House Science, Space and Technology Committee, recently recommended that people rely on the president himself as their true source of news, stating that the media are simply unreliable: “Better to get your news directly from the president.” He was reported as saying, “In fact, it might be the only way to get the unvarnished truth.”
Now, with this alarming piece of information brought to the public’s attention, we see that he was probably right.
“This new piece of evidence has serious repercussions on, what was once called by dishonest people ‘global warming,’ for,” continued the president. “If the Earth is flat, the sun is sure to spread its heat all around it in an even and fair way, with no exceptions, and that’s it, okay?” Asked why no concrete evidence to this new “revelation” was presented, the president stormed out of the room, reportedly mumbling to his beautiful young aide Esther (“who is Jewish, by the way”) that this was an “unfair question.”