There is something almost chilling about the way history echoes דווקא this year. The holiday of Purim, whose entire essence is marking the rescue of the Jewish people from a threat of annihilation that came from Persia, is now being celebrated while the threat from Iran and the general security tension hover above our heads.
Now, as toy stores collapse under a chaotic load of wigs and accessories, many parents find themselves surprised by their children’s choice of costume: If we were counting on some light costume of a trend from TikTo, a beloved social media influencer or an amusing reenactment from Bad Bunny’s Super Bowl performance, reality slapped us in the face.
Instead, we are witnessing a rush toward costumes that convey power, immunity or even defiance: Combat soldiers, police officers armed from head to toe, fearsome monsters, and of course – an unprecedented demand for a Donald Trump costume. If for a moment your parental instinct arose and you asked to soften the requested militant costume – stop. In today’s reality, this insistence by the children is a vital defense mechanism that is important for us to understand, and allow.
In order not to fall into clichés, we must remember one basic and simple truth: Every behavior of children is communication. They are always trying to tell us something. The choice of costume is not random; it is a parameter through which we can examine two central things in a child’s life:
The first parameter – the social mirror. The choice of costume reveals to us who interests them, what is important to them, and what creates in their class a sense of value and importance. It answers fascinating questions such as: What in their eyes turns a person or a character into a hero? What is considered at their age and in their environment today a status symbol? And how strong the social pressure is among them. These are significant questions that give us a glimpse into the microcosm of their social world.
The second parameter – the inner space. Here we encounter a deeper place. The costume often expresses precisely what the child lacks in the real world. Through this choice, the child communicates with us, telling us what they need and what they are asking from us.
And this is exactly where the costumes connect to the security reality of the recent period. When the outside world is so fragile for all of us, the central thing that many children currently lack is security, strength and control. A child who feels helpless and small מול a reality of sirens, tense waiting for an Iranian attack and existential uncertainty, desperately needs to fill this void. Therefore, when they choose to be a cowboy, the plastic gun is not just an accessory – it is critical. It is the symbol of the power that was lost to them. The choice to dress up as a soldier or a monster allows them, at least for one day, to be the strong, frightening and invincible side.
When a child asks for this power, especially in these times, our challenge as parents is to see how within our limited emotional resources מול that very same reality, we can give them the space they need and are asking for.
So how should we properly deal with this at home?
In order to help the children and of course us parents make the most of the psychological opportunity of Purim, here are a few guiding principles:
1. Let go of the “Instagram picture.” This year, more than ever, our role is to be containing, not critical. Set aside the need for an aesthetic costume that photographs wonderfully or the concern of “what will the parents / the teachers / the other children at school say.” Give the child the space to be what they need to be.
2. Do not be alarmed by the desire for a weapon as an accessory. Despite the obvious concern – toy swords, guns, vests and plastic armor do not encourage violence, but rather serve as a protected space for processing fears. Do not try to censor these accessories. For the child, they are their psychological protective suit at the moment.
3. Replace criticism with curiosity and conversation. Instead of saying “Why did you choose something so ugly / frightening / violent?”, try to ask questions that invite conversation and elaboration: “What is this character’s special power?”, “What is this monster most afraid of?”, or “Who is this hero going to save?”
4. Allow the “rebellion.” If the child insists on a strange, convention-breaking or “creative at any cost” costume, remember that this is their way of standing out and testing boundaries within the rules of the holiday. Go along with them.
In a tense reality in which our children sometimes feel a lack of control, the costume is not just a game, it is truly a lifeline. Give them permission to be the heroes, the cowboys or the monsters they ask to be. Sometimes, in order to return to being a self-confident child tomorrow, one must first receive permission to be someone else today.
The writer is an educational psychologist, founder of the Merkaz Merchav association.