Purim Shpiel: Orange is the new black? Haredim protest monotony

Purim Shpiel: The following is a satirical article from The Jerusalem Post's annual parodic Purim page, The Jerusalem Roast. Enjoy!

 HAREDI demonstrators begin busting out in orange in Jerusalem last night. (photo credit: Flush100)
HAREDI demonstrators begin busting out in orange in Jerusalem last night.
(photo credit: Flush100)

Thousands of haredim congregated in cities throughout Israel in protest of the haredi leadership’s long standing tradition of the same exact types of clothing worn by everyone in the community with little to no variation.

The protesters complained that their traditions have forced them to live “in the black hat shadow,” with their outfits limited to inexpensive black and dark-blue suits, with equally cheap white shirts, accompanied by beards and black hats or streimels.

“It’s just an awful look and it’s very uncomfortable,” Bnei Brak protest leader Rabbi Moishe Overheatowitz told The Jerusalem Roast. “We live in the Middle East! Even in the winter, it gets unbearably hot, especially when wearing a black suit, long-sleeved dress shirt, a white undershirt and heavy tzitzit. The beard, heavy fur hats and crowded rooms don’t help either. We just want to be allowed to dress more comfortably, breathe a bissel (a little).”

But, others pushing for change are arguing for more stylistic reasons.

“We just want some variety!” exclaimed Beit Shemesh protest leader Rabbi Dovid Finegarbs, who was distributing pamphlets about haredim in suits of a variety of colors. “Right now, it’s all the same boring tones and outfits. The closest thing I get to a bit of color in my outfit is when I spill cholent on my shirt. I want to change that. I want people to say, ‘I need to look good to serve God.’”

The topic has been controversial among the haredi leadership, who traditionally eschew any changes to the status quo. However, some have quietly been considering a more open-minded approach.

“Let’s face it, we look awful,” a senior haredi rabbi identifying only as Chief L. told the Roast under anonymity. “The hilonim and their goyishe outfits look all flashy and comfortable, and even the Christians get fancy and shiny hats and colored robes. 

“Changing our look is important if we want to keep the younger generation or even bring new haredim into the community. We need people to look at us and say, ‘Wow, the haredi look is super fly, yo!’” The rabbi then paused before asking his grandson if “that’s how the kids are saying it.”

As of press time, the demonstrations in Jerusalem dispersed after haredi women asked if they, too, would be allowed to wear more comfortable outfits.