By utilizing information gathered from Israeli-produced spyware, NOSO, the Israeli government has decided that the best way to stay on Russia’s good side during the current geopolitical conflict is to present Eastern Europe’s grouchy tyrant with a fruit-based edible arrangement.
While war rages on in Ukraine, Israel finds itself in a complicated situation, as it simultaneously tries to stay on Putin’s good side while not looking like total lame wads to the United Nations.
“Honestly, I’m kind of at a loss,” expressed a crestfallen Prime Minister Naftali Bennett during a press conference detailing the measures taken until now to curry favor. Though the aggressive pseudo-dictator looked like he was having a fun time zipping around the Kremlin in the Little Tikes A-4 Skyhawk given to him by the Israeli Air Force, he seemed to be unreasonably enraged upon receiving the Communication Ministry’s singing telegram that exclusively performed “Putin on the Ritz.”
However, according to a confidential source at the prime minister’s barber shop, Bennett has a new plan that he is sure will win over the Russian president-for-life: Pineapple.
“It was during his weekly forehead polish,” said his barber, Paul D. Herr.
“He said that they’ve been working with a fancy, high-tech firm and that they’ve managed to listen in on all of Putin’s conversations during the last week, and they’ve figured out what makes him tick,” said Paul D. Herr.
The pineapple is on its way to Moscow in a brown paper bag, being carried by Minister Ze’ev Elkin, ending months of speculation about what he’s been toting to meeting with Putin as Bennett’s go-fer.
In a strictly off-the-record conversation with The Jerusalem Roast, MK Anat Reelman stated, “If this latest bribe doesn’t work, we may need to ask Bibi for some tips.”