We are in confusing days. There is an atmosphere of returning to routine, alongside a sense of uncertainty. There is no guarantee that the ceasefire is stable, and there is a possibility of returning to a state of combat. In the north of the country, there is a wartime atmosphere with all that it entails. In the Haifa area and its surroundings, there is a partial return of educational frameworks, which also signals that stability has not yet arrived. It can be said that there are in fact islands of returning to routine, whose scope varies according to different regions of the country.
Much has been said recently about conduct in wartime and emergency situations. Therefore, I will focus on the return to routine.
After Days of Accumulated Stress
We are after many days of accumulated stress, intense moments of running to shelters and safe rooms day and night, the sounds of interceptions, impacts and coping with their meaning. Exposure to heartbreaking tragedies, exposure to stressful news and alerts, lack of routine and the need to juggle between all family members during prolonged time at home.
Naturally, once given the signal, we aspire to quickly return to familiar routines and to “shed” this entire period, to experience moments of relief from all the stress and pain that have accumulated. As Israelis, we have in recent years become accustomed to sharp transitions between routine and emergency. Within moments, we are required to adapt to a new life reality, and within it to create moments of balance.
When we come to return to routine, the natural instinct is to go back to the regular order of our lives, to appreciate the relief and the things that were denied to us, and to experience ease in various ways.
At the same time, the alertness, stress, worry, heartache and emotions we experienced in recent weeks also make their presence felt. In our minds and bodies there are very high levels of adrenaline, cortisol, dopamine and other neurotransmitters and hormones relevant to the period. This is only one aspect among several of what is happening in our bodies. Our reserves of strength have been greatly depleted in recent weeks, and we are tired, exhausted, tense and irritable. Alongside this, we also have moments of appreciation for positive aspects and experiences of meaning, each in their own way and according to their views. In short, we are experiencing a mixture of many things, and not only us, but also those around us.
So What Do We Do?
Time Margins
We should take into account that we are not as usual, and certain routines may take time. And if things work for us as they did in the past, it does not necessarily mean this will be the case for those around us. For example, during this period, when getting organized in the morning, children may linger more, certainly adolescents. There may be moments when someone expresses fear, resists, bursts into tears, experiences emotional flooding, gets stuck or loses concentration.
It is worth taking this into account. Despite the fatigue and the tasks waiting, it is advisable to wake up a little earlier, try to prepare in advance in the evening, and understand that there will be moments when it will be necessary to stop, talk, listen, explain and persuade. As mentioned, not only during the morning routine, but also during other transition moments throughout the day.
Breaks
In addition to these possible difficulties, as mentioned, we are saturated with adrenaline and other aspects of alertness. While the natural tendency is to run from task to task, breaks help stabilize. We have learned that breathing helps, especially long exhalations. They activate the vagus nerve, which is partly connected to the lungs and diaphragm, and is a major factor in activating the body’s calming systems.
Therefore, if it is possible to take several long breaths at different moments, it is beneficial, for example in the car while waiting for the traffic light to change, between tasks or before going to sleep.
Short Conversations
When returning to routine, there is a tendency to move on. We think or say things like “That was, there is no need to talk about it”. However, both adults and children process experiences through conversations and connection with those around them. The responses of others validate our feelings and actions, and the conversation and processing of information help organize thoughts, memories and more.
Reality, especially in the near period, provides a variety of opportunities for conversations. They do not have to be long. It is possible to have short conversations that address emotion, experience, thought and facts of reality. One can relate to the past, present and future, and share our feelings about all of these. Especially when talking with children, self-reflection gives them important validation for their feelings.
Less Criticism – More Compassion
During periods of stress and overload, we tend to use “black-and-white thinking” patterns, to be alert to the flaws of others, and to project more strongly, that is, to behave in a way of “one who disqualifies others does so with their own flaws”. This means that we accumulate tension and express anger toward those around us.
In recent years, the quote attributed to Nietzsche is common in our regions: “He who has a ‘why’ to live for can bear almost any ‘how’”. One interpretation is that if we pause to see the background of the person in front of us, their “why”, it becomes easier for us to accept their behavior, their “how”.
Assuming we have created time margins and breaks for ourselves, we can also use them to pause the automatic patterns mentioned. If we try to examine what in the other person’s behavior triggers us, before reacting, it will be easier for us with those around us and with ourselves.
Try to take a compassionate view. To give credit, to forgive ourselves, to remind ourselves of the half-full glass in our actions, and to remember that if we have made a mistake we can also repair it, all of these are of immense importance. The more we succeed in reducing relentless internal criticism, the more we can direct attention and energy to conduct that benefits us and those around us.
Not a Full Routine, but the Beginning of a Routine
It is important to remember that we are not in a full routine. We are encountering the first islands of routine. The psyche longs for relief, and therefore we can easily find ourselves behaving in the ways described. This text is intended to sharpen several aspects just before the conduct of “returning to routine” already happens on its own.
These things may not appear immediately. Children tend to test the boundaries and sometimes express frustrations, anger, anxieties or experience regression some time after a significant transition in their lives. Also in close relationships, partners may each contain their difficulties for some time, and when they feel that the other side is available to absorb the difficulties, daily challenges and the mentioned difficulties arise.
Therefore, even if the initial stages of returning to routine proceed well, it is advisable to remain attentive to the emotional situation we and our loved ones are in.
Nadav Harris, Clinical Psychologist, Maccabi Healthcare Services Northern District