For more than 20 years of writing this column, I’ve met countless English-speaking parents who have chosen to make Israel their home, temporarily or permanently.
Despite their diverse backgrounds, they share a common challenge: raising children in a country where life can feel unpredictable.
It is also a place where transitions are frequent, and where parents themselves may be stretched thin by work, parenting challenges, security threats, cultural adjustment, or marital stress.
When parents come to me concerned about a child – whether a five-year-old who suddenly refuses to go to school, or a teenager who seems angry, withdrawn, or failing – I always include an evaluation of the child’s attachment status as part of my diagnostic approach.
John Bowlby’s attachment theory, decades after its introduction, remains one of the most useful tools for understanding children’s emotional worlds.
Bowlby taught us that children thrive when they experience their caregivers as secure bases – people who are emotionally available, predictable, and attuned. A securely attached child seeks proximity when distressed and feels confident to explore when safe.
An insecurely attached child may cling anxiously, withdraw, avoid closeness, or oscillate between the two. Parent-child attachment patterns may shift not because parents don’t care but because stress can distract a parent, making it harder to stay attuned to a child’s needs.
The state-of-the-art treatment for children, especially pre-teenage kids, has been play therapy. It seems like a natural way to get into and understand the child’s emotional issues, which directly impact their attachment behavior.
In fact, the literature lists many forms of play therapy for young children, including playing with games and toys, drawing pictures, or working with silly putty.
I myself have used play therapy quite effectively with some of the younger children that I have treated. But whenever possible, I prefer to empower parents with tools and insights that can strengthen their role as parents.
The empowering parental approach was originated by Bernard and Louise Guerney (1969), who developed filial play therapy, training parents to be therapeutic agents.
This approach’s goal is teaching parents to better understand the emotional meaning of their child’s behavior and learn specific techniques that will help their child change.
Let’s take a look at what this means.
The immigrant child and the silent storm
An English couple brought in their seven-year-old son, Sam, six months after making aliyah. He had become aggressive in school, pushing children and yelling at teachers. The school suggested play therapy, but the parents wanted a broader understanding.
In my treatment with Sam’s parents, I reframed his difficulties as issues of “dislocation” rather than anger problems.
When Sam made aliyah, he had to learn Hebrew, a new language, and missed his childhood friends, his grandparents, and his familiar routines and surroundings.
His parents, overwhelmed with settling into a new flat, jobs, and bureaucracy, were emotionally less available. They were unable to see that Sam’s acting out was his own way of protesting the move to Israel and how all of the changes were affecting him.
I worked on helping the parents slow down, create predictable routines, and carve out daily one-on-one time. They learned to narrate his feelings (“This is hard. You miss home. You miss your grandparents. We’re here with you”).
I suggested to his parents that they try to arrange a weekly Zoom meeting with his grandparents. Sam really enjoyed these meetings. Within weeks, the aggression decreased and his school behavior improved. Sam didn’t need punishment – he needed connection.
The teen and missile attacks
During the height of the rocket attacks, a 15-year-old girl, Maya, began refusing to leave the house. Each time the Red Alert siren sounded, she would freeze, cry, or cling to her parents.
Even on quiet days, she stayed close to the safe room, checked the news constantly, and monitored her younger siblings with hypervigilance. Clearly, she was exhibiting signs of trauma.
Her parents tried to reassure her with facts and calm explanations about the defense systems and how they work.
But Maya wasn’t responding to logic. From an attachment perspective, her system was overwhelmed. The unpredictability of sirens and the fear of being separated from her family activated a primal need for closeness.
Once her parents shifted from “explaining” to attuning, things changed. They validated her fear, stayed physically close during stressful moments, and created predictable routines even on uncertain days.
Over time, Maya’s anxiety softened. Like Sam, her healing didn’t come from explanations; it came from connection.
A young mother alone with her newborn during the war
A young mother, Sivan, came to see me three months after giving birth to her first child. Her husband had been serving in combat for more than eight months, with only brief, unpredictable visits home.
Sivan, overwhelmed with anxiety and feeling alone and clearly missing her husband and worrying about his safety, reported to me that she felt numb and was afraid she wasn’t providing the emotional bonding her baby really needed.
From an attachment perspective, her own attachment system was in a state of chronic activation with her emotional resources stretched thin.
We worked on creating small islands of safety – brief grounding moments, predictable routines, and ways to let others support her. I helped her reach out more to friends.
Her parents, living far away from her, were encouraged to talk to her frequently and whenever possible come and visit. As she felt more “emotionally held” and less alone, she found herself connecting to her baby with more warmth.
The connection grew slowly but steadily. Her story was a reminder that a parent’s capacity to attach is deeply tied to their own sense of safety.
Older teens and the challenge of trust
Many adolescents resist therapy at first, not because they don’t want help but because trusting a stranger feels risky.
Further, the age-appropriate developmental task is to seek independence, yet their emotional world still depends on reliable attachment figures. I always try to engage a teenager and motivate them to try therapy.
My track record with kids and teens has been very good. When a teen makes a commitment to come to therapy, psychotherapy can be a goldmine for growth.
In adolescence, a secure, attuned relationship, as it is for all children, can open the door to change.
The takeaway
Whether you are an immigrant adjusting to a new culture, a family living temporarily in Israel, or long-term Anglo parents raising children in a complex environment, remember this: Your relationship with your child is the most stabilizing force in their world.
Play therapy and counseling both have their place. But, the heart of healing begins with looking beneath the behavior that often is a child’s cry for help, and then strengthening the attachment bond.
When caregivers feel empowered, children feel safer. And when children feel safer, they grow.
The writers is a psychotherapist with over 40 years of experience helping individuals, couples, and families cope with the emotional impact of crisis and war. Many of his clients are olim.
drmikegropper@gmail.com