It’s been my experience that when things get difficult, all that’s needed to release the tension is to be seen (acknowledged). Here’s what I mean:
The Hebrew expression “How are things?” is often given the reply “Things are how things are all over!” Here in Khan Yunis, while we’re juggling guard duty with combat raids and ducking crossfire, our burning question is always “How are things back home? How are things for my wife and kids?” Our wives are truly the real heroes of this war. Believe me, they’re the unparalleled lionesses of Swords of Iron.
I don’t have to embellish what we all know. We, their husbands, haven’t been home for three and a half months. Even while they’re going crazy with worry about us, they continue to hold the home front on their own, no matter what their situation.
For example, one experiencing her first pregnancy has no one to support her in the middle of the night as she continuously vomits her kishkes [guts] out. Another runs the household with five little children, while her own career, which she’s carefully built up over long dedicated years of effort, is going down the drain. A third has a high fever and drives herself to the emergency room at the hospital, and a fourth who got married only a month ago returns to a crowded room in her parents’ home, since she can’t stand the loneliness in her own beautifully set up caravan any longer.
And as time goes by, the difficulty only becomes more acute. She sees how other reservists are being released home, and her spouse doesn’t have even a prospect of leaving. The energies that were prevalent in their immediate environment in the beginning are eroding, the support from the community or neighbors sometimes drops to zero, and they get the feeling that no one knows what they’re going through, no one sees them as they go about their lonely schedule: breakfast, lunch and supper, overdraft in the bank, bureaucracy, endless children fighting, therapy sessions for the bed wetter, afternoon activities …..
Okay, a large number of reserve fighters’ wives get support of one kind or another from family, friends, community – but so many don’t have even that, or it’s been worn out from overuse and with time.
We who are in the Gaza Strip, the West Bank, or on the northern front answer the question “How are things going?” by saying that we’re directly affected by how things are going with our wives. When we know they’re being supported and “being seen,” we fight better. It’s not necessary to hear that all the problems have been solved (they never are), but it’s enough just to know that the efforts of the wives of the reservists and also of the standing army are being seen. Even for those who’ve returned to the routine of normalization, it’s nice to know that those who continue the daily battle of life alone haven’t been forgotten.
How can that be assured? How can people show that “we see you”? Even in little insignificant ways, it’s possible to give support — flowers or a cake for Shabbat, an offer to look after the children for two hours, doing some shopping for them, and even a simple phone call to hear how they are.
We all know that there are many other challenges these days, and they also need to be acknowledged: the evacuees, the bereaved families and those of the hostages, or really everyone coping with the issues of our time. I’m simply focusing a flashlight beam on one subject that comes up every morning and every night with my comrades in the sands of Khan Yunis. Because we’ve held hundreds of talks among us, and we already know everything about our families, including when our wives’ birthdays are and how they like to drink their coffee in the morning.
From those conversations and my own understanding, I’m bringing up the subject that concerns us and making the following suggestions: Take a pen and paper, write down the names of at least two reservists in your area, and resolve to bring their family a small tribute for this Shabbat. It can be a cake, flowers, kubbeh, coloring books for the children (it doesn’t really matter what you bring), and don’t forget to put in a nice little note. That’s all.
You can’t imagine how much this will warm the hearts of the wives and indeed the whole family. It’s not necessarily solving the problems that come up, but it’s giving them the feeling they they’re not invisible – someone sees them and their efforts.■
A special message for my own beloved wife, Neta:
Netish,
I hear a lot of people asking what can they do for the hostages and their families or those that take part in rallies or pray for them. Others visit the evacuees, and it’s a wonderful outpouring of unity and brotherhood we’re experiencing in our present situation. Perhaps you’re sitting at home with our five small children, frustrated that you’re not participating in the mass prayer at the Kotel or going to the public rally in Tel Aviv. It’s important for you to know, Netish, that you are a very important partner in the effort to free the hostages.
Unfortunately, we still haven’t had a chance to physically free them yet, but we here in Khan Yunis are part of the great effort to do so. With every chocolate drink that you prepare for the kids in the morning, and every day that you carry the weight of our complicated home on your shoulders, you are a full partner in this war for justice. It’s important for you to internalize that you are literally fighting with us at the front in the war for Israel and in general, for mankind which was created in the image of God.
This article was translated from Hebrew by Leah Abramowitz.